


You Feel Like Home

by drcplets



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Emotional Baggage, Friends to Lovers trope, Insecurity, Intimacy, Kissing, Lots of kissing, M/M, No Magic AU, a bit of angst and a lot of fluff, baz and simon are not enemies, bed sharing, but they're not friends either.. yet, commitment issues, probably more than kissing eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-01-05 20:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21214403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drcplets/pseuds/drcplets
Summary: When I’m here, he talks to me, and I’m faced with the same uncertainty of not knowing if he’s talking to me because he thinks we’re friends or because he just wants somebody to listen.I want more than anything to be able to be that person for him.I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be that person for him without feeling like my world is going to implode.I don’t think it’s possible for me to be friends with Simon Snow. I’ll just fall more in love with him.AKA Simon and Baz are college roommates! Baz and Penny team up to help Simon through a heart wrenching breakup. Baz surprises Simon in more ways than one, and Simon figures out he may not be straight after all. The breakup was probably the best thing that ever happened to him!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first fic so i hope you all enjoy!

**BAZ**

Snow is watching a Christmas movie on his laptop. Without headphones. It’s fucking September. I stare at him for five minutes before he notices me, and I ensure that the look on my face is a menacing one. 

“Can you do me a favor and turn that shit down? Or off?” I widen my eyes as I speak, trying to make my point known. 

“Left my headphones at Penny’s.” He’s already looking back at his computer, making absolutely no effort to do as I told him. 

“That’s your problem, Snow. Down or off.” I repeat, persistent. I can’t sit here all night and try to study while Buddy the Elf is yelling across the dorm room. 

Snow looks at me now, furrowing his brow and scrunching his nose. I wish I didn’t think it was cute. 

“I’m not turning it off.” He doesn’t look away from the screen. I’m still looking at him. I wonder if he can see me out of the corner of his eye. I don’t like the effect he has on me. Even when he’s royally pissing me off I still want to snog him. 

“Then down, asshole. Turn on the goddamn subtitles for all I care. I’m trying to study.” I huff with this statement, not meaning to. I can’t let him see me sweat. Not that he sees me really at all. I try to avoid the room if I can, but the library is closed tonight because it’s Friday. They always close at 5pm on Fridays. 

“Who the fuck studies on a Friday night?” Snow is looking at me now, confused expression settling onto his face. I see this one a lot, he seems to always have no idea what’s going on. “You could be doing absolutely anything else, and yet you sit here trying to read that giant book that you’ve been reading for the past month.” 

“I’m _ learning _.” I retort, cocking a brow at him. “Better to read this than watch that nonsense.” I nod my head towards his laptop, where Buddy now seems to be eating noodles with syrup. “That looks fucking disgusting.” 

“It looks good, I’d try it.” He laughs. He actually laughs. He’d really consider eating spaghetti noodles drowned in maple syrup. That should surprise me, but it doesn’t. Snow is like a bottomless pit when it comes to eating. I think he’d eat anything anyone put in front of him, no matter what it was. 

“Of course you would.” I roll my eyes at him, then make sure my serious expression doesn’t fall away from my face. I can’t let him know I’m not actually that mad. It’s really kind of endearing that he wants to watch a Christmas movie on a random Friday night in September. 

“You’re getting onto me for staying in on a Friday night, so shouldn’t I be doing the same to you?” I pretend like I don’t know that he’s usually at work on a Friday night. I almost have his work schedule memorized, it’s a hard business trying to be in the room with him for as little time as possible. Sometimes I slip up. 

“I’m off tonight. Penny is busy and Agatha isn’t talking to me right now, so here I am.” He sighs, eyes focused back on his laptop screen. 

I didn’t know he and Agatha were in a fight. They always seemed fine to me. But then again, I don’t know much about them as a couple besides the fact that Simon is loud and Agatha is quiet. They seem to work together well. He’s always talking about her and how beautiful she is, and he has absolutely no clue how much it hurts me to hear those words come out of his mouth. I don’t know if he talks to me because he thinks we’re friends, or if he just wants someone to talk to. I wouldn’t really call us friends. I try to make sure we don’t become friends. I don’t think I could handle being friends with Simon Snow. 

“Well then, that’s that isn’t it.” I don’t want to drag this conversation any longer, we’re already diving into uncharted territory of speaking to each other for longer than a minute at a time. 

“Turn the fucking volume down, Snow.” I add a bit of an edge to my words, and he complies, reaching and tapping the volume three notches down. It isn’t much, but it’s enough so that I can drown it out and continue reading my book. 

  
  


**SIMON**

I wonder what I did to piss Baz off this time. Well, I know what I did. I started watching Elf with the volume all the way up while he was trying to read his stupid book. Maybe I was trying to distract him. I don’t know what I thought could come of it. He wasn’t going to stop reading and insist that I scoot over in my bed so that he could watch the movie with me. His response telling me to turn it off is exactly what I could have predicted. But, I tried. All I ever do is try to be friends with Baz Pitch. 

I talk to him about Agatha and Penny. I can’t ever tell if he’s actually listening to me, because usually he just looks at me with an expression that says ‘I’d rather listen to someone using a leaf blower than listen to you talk about your girlfriend and best friend.’ When he seems uninterested in the girls, I talk to him about class. But by that point, he’s either put in headphones or is getting up to leave the room. He hates me. I’ve never known what I did to make myself that unlikable, and I don’t think he’s going to tell me. 

It surprised me when Baz wanted to live together again after last year. We never had fights or disagreements, but by the end of the year I was positive he couldn’t stand me. But then, on move out day, he looked at me and said, “See you in the fall, Snow.”

“See me like, you’ll see me around, or see me like, in our room?” I replied, sure my jaw dropped to the ground with shock. 

“Our room. You may be messy and dreadful to live with but I’ll take that over living with someone possibly worse.” 

Baz actually wanted to live with me. Maybe he didn’t hate me as much as I thought. Or maybe he did and he just wanted to continue to antagonize me as a game. Whatever. It didn’t matter. There was something calming about knowing I could show back up to school after the summer and something would be the same. I could never really rely on that before. 

I realize I’m lost in thought and I missed the best part of the movie. Buddy and Jovie’s date never fails to make me smile so hard I feel like my cheeks might fall off. I’ve never seen Baz smile even a little bit. I wonder why. 

I spend the next hour watching the rest of my movie with the volume lower than I’d like it, but I’m afraid of what Baz might do if I turn it back up. I make a mental note to grab my headphones from Penny’s dorm the next time I go to see her so this doesn’t have to happen again. Baz actually suggested I watch the movie with subtitles. Who the hell watches movies with subtitles? I’m not very good at reading as is, I couldn’t imagine trying to read something and watch it at the same time. My head hurts just thinking about it. When the movie is over, I shut my laptop and look to my right. Baz is still awake, but I would never know based on how silent he is. He’s reading the pages of his book thoroughly and making notes in them, and I notice he’s even putting little tabs on places he wants to go back to again. He’s so smart. I admire him for being so smart. I add this to my list of reasons why he probably hates me. He’s so smart and I barely passed my classes with C’s last year. 

“Don’t you get tired of reading?” He barely turns his head towards me as I speak to him. 

“No.” 

Everything is always so simple with Baz. One word answers seem to be something he loves. 

“Okay but really, you’ve been reading for over two hours. Don’t you get bored?” I question.

“The material is interesting.” He replies, like it’s obvious. 

“Whatever. I’m going to bed.” I jump out of bed and walk towards the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I look in the mirror I can see Baz’s face, and he’s looking at me. I blink, and he’s looking back at his book. I don’t know what to think. 

Once my teeth are brushed I walk back to the bed and jump inside, then pick up my phone and type a quick text to Agatha. I’ve texted her four times today, and she hasn’t replied. I must have done something really bad. That seems to be a theme in my life. Everyone is mad at me and no one will tell me what I did to upset them. It’s sort of exhausting, but I think I may be used to it. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t have to be used to it, but the other knows that whatever’s going on is my fault anyways. 

I like the familiar sounds of being in our dorm room. I can always sleep better with the noise of the city outside the window. I think about Buddy the Elf and smile to myself as I fall asleep. I should let small things like that make me happy more often, and stop worrying so much about what I’m doing to make everyone in my life upset with me. Except Penny. Somehow she always manages to seem like she can stand being around me. I’m thankful for Penny. 

**BAZ **

I think he caught me looking at him. Shit. I have to be more careful. Snow is so thick he probably thought nothing of my looking at him, but I still can’t afford to let myself slip up like that. I think tonight is the most time we’ve spent together since the beginning of the term, even if it was just me studying and Snow watching a movie. It feels comfortable to sit in silence with him. I start getting uncomfortable when he talks to me. He’s always talking to me about one thing or another. I try to get him to stop talking by answering with as few words as possible, but that never works. Sometimes the silent treatment does. I wish I didn’t have to shut him out. 

Snow falls asleep fast. He tells me he’s going to bed, and within five minutes I can hear his breathing steady. I look over at him now and study his face, unafflicted with worry that he might catch me. He looks peaceful. Sometimes his sleep is completely restless, and I’m almost certain he’s having nightmares. Part of me wants to ask him about them, but I know that would be taking it too far. Give and inch and he takes a mile, and I’m not ready for that mile to be taken. 

I watch as Snow turns over and repositions in his sleep, and now his back is to me. He reminds me of everything that’s innocent in the world. He’s naive, that’s for sure. He looks at the world with a blinding optimism that I’ve never been able to understand. He wakes up in a good mood every day, which I also don't understand. I wake up in a good mood maybe once a month. Not Snow. He wakes up excited for every day, always rambling about what the dining hall has for breakfast or what activities he has planned for the day. I usually either leave the room before he wakes up, or pretend like I’m asleep until he leaves. When I’m here, he talks to me, and I’m faced with the same uncertainty of not knowing if he’s talking to me because he thinks we’re friends or because he just wants somebody to listen. 

I want more than anything to be able to be that person for him. 

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be that person for him without feeling like my world is going to implode.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to be friends with Simon Snow. I’ll just fall more in love with him.

I run my hands through my hair and pinch the bridge of my nose. Thinking about my feelings towards Snow is a form of torture that only I can afflict upon myself. I don’t even remember the exact moment when I fell for him. Maybe it was love at first sight, which I could have been certain didn’t exist until I saw his blue eyes and bronze curls for the first time. Ever since then, I did my best to keep my distance. I would never have to face my feelings if I didn’t give them a chance to grow. 

But, I was wrong. I didn’t have to give my feelings a chance to grow because they grew on their own. Every time Snow smiled at me, or tried hopelessly to make small talk, I fell for him more. Even after I make snarky comments towards him, the look on his face is so endearing I wish I could look at it for longer than approximately two seconds. He shouldn’t be able to have such a hold on me like that. There’s plenty of guys at NYU would want to go out with me. But I don’t want any of them. I just want him, and that’s the biggest problem of all. Snow will never want me. 

I think he’s straight. I’m almost one hundred percent certain he is. He talks about Agatha like she’s the Queen of fucking England, someone may actually think she was royalty if they listened to Snow describe her. Plus, he just doesn’t give me the vibe of being into other guys. I’d like to think I have a decent gaydar, and Snow never registers. It would be me who fell in love with a straight guy. A trope straight out of the worst TV shows I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching. 

Maybe there’s something I can do to distract myself. Not now. I’m too tired now. But if I’m ever going to stop thinking about Snow in a way that’s hurtful I’ll have to do something. Tomorrow I’ll come up with a plan. Now I just set my book on my night stand shut my eyes, crossing my fingers that sleep will come soon and Snow will be out of the room when I wake up. 


	2. Chapter 2

**SIMON**

I’m unsure if it’s the middle of the night or early morning when I wake up. It’s still dark outside, so that’s no indicator. I hate when my body does this. Despite being able to sleep in, I still wake up before the sun. Granted, most of my shifts at the cafe start around five in the morning, so my body is used to being up early. Even still, I wish on days that I didn’t have an early shift I could turn my intuition off. I deserve the extra hours of sleep. 

It’s odd for me to have a Saturday off. I have no plans for the day, but I figure that if I go bother Penny she’ll let me tag along with her while she runs errands or does other things Penny does. I could go and try to talk to Agatha, but I have a feeling that wouldn’t go very well. Usually when she’s mad at me I just let her be mad, and then I’m waiting whenever she decides she isn’t mad anymore. The longest she’s gone without talking to me is two weeks. We’re only at three days right now, so I’m not too worried. It could be worse. 

I slowly swing my legs off the bed and put my feet on the floor, making as little noise as possible. Baz is still asleep in his bed four feet away from me. He looks peaceful. His face looks like there could even be a hint of a smile on it. He never looks at ease while talking to me. His brow is furrowed, his jaw is clenched, or some other facial indication that talking to me pains him. I wish he looked peaceful when he looked at me. His face looks nice like this. 

I step silently across the room and slip into the bathroom, then finally think to check the time on my phone. It’s half past five, just like I expected. Penny won’t be awake right now. No one in their right mind would wake up this early unless they had to. I could go for a run. I don’t feel like running. I splash water on my face and brush my teeth, then peer into the mirror at myself. I look a fucking wreck. My hair is sticking out in all different directions, and there are bags under my eyes. Maybe I could try to go back to sleep. I think that’s what I’ll do. 

I pad back to my bed and climb in, wincing at the loud squeak that comes from the bed frame. Damn these dorm beds. I glance over at Baz and see that he’s still asleep in the same position as before, and I can breathe. I know a lot of mornings I wake him up because I’m like a bull in a china shop, but I’ve been working on being more silent when I move around the room. 

I lay on my side with my eyes closed for a number of minutes, and sleep isn’t coming. I’m cursed to wake up this early for the rest of eternity, it seems. Baz is shifting in bed now and I think he might be awake, but he stills again after a moment. I crack open my eyes to look at him, and he’s turned on his side now so his face is a mirror image of my own. 

He’s kinda sexy, isn’t he? 

His hair is the blackest I’ve ever seen, and it’s always shiny. I think it’s that fancy shampoo he uses. Sometimes he ties his hair back in a bun or slicks it away from his face, but I think it looks the best when it’s loose. His eyes are this kind of piercing grey and they’re so intense they’re almost scary. Every time we make eye contact I wish he would look at me longer. 

I should stop thinking like this. I have a girlfriend, and I love her, and there’s no way Baz would ever think about me like I think about him. I’ve noticed lately that I think about him in ways I shouldn’t more than I’d like to admit. Am I gay? No. Absolutely not. But it’s possible I might not be straight. 

“Snow.” 

His voice startles me. I had no idea he was awake. Was I zoning out? Was I staring at him? I guess it’s too late to try and hide that now if that’s what I was doing. 

“Good morning to you too.” I plaster a smile on my face. 

“Don’t smile at me. I woke up and you were staring at me. I thought you might start drooling.” 

“I was just thinking.”

“You know how to think?” I can see him smirking. The small amount of light shining in from the window is illuminating his perfect face. 

“Shut the fuck up. Go back to sleep.” I roll my eyes, and turn over in the bed to try and follow my own advice. 

I hear Baz reposition in bed and assume he’s trying to go back to sleep too. He usually sleeps late, except for the days when he has a class at eight. He doesn’t have a job, that I know of, and I wonder what it feels like to not have to try and follow a class schedule along with a work schedule. Must be nice to have free time. 

I’m not sure how long it takes for me to fall asleep again, but when I wake up the light is streaming in from the window. I grab my phone and look at the time, and I know I’m not keeping it quiet when I jump up out of the bed after I see that it’s nearly ten. Thirty minutes left of breakfast, and a ten minute walk to get there. I grab some clothes from my clean clothes pile and get dressed quickly, then dip into the bathroom to brush my teeth again before I dart out the door. I refuse to miss breakfast. They always have pastries on Saturday, and who says no to a pastry? 

I smile at all the people I pass on the street and throw up my hand to wave at the ones I know by name. One of my redeeming qualities is the ability to make friends with anyone I meet. I think I’m a fairly pleasant person, and everyone else seems to think so too. Except Baz. That’s beside the point. Everyone else thinks I’m nice. 

I shoot a text to Penny as I walk into the dining hall letting her know where I am, and my feet carry me by muscle memory over to where all the pastries are sitting out. I’m sure my face lights up as I lay eyes on the cherry turnovers, and I proceed to put four on my plate. I may not have time to go back for seconds, so I may as well take full advantage of what I can get. I pile a second plate with eggs and bacon before grabbing a drink and making my way to a table. I’ve been sitting for maybe two minutes when someone pulls out the chair in front of me and sits. 

“Try not to look like you’re inhaling your food, yeah Simon?” Penny is smiling at me when I look up, and she’s trying to place an armful of books onto the table without dropping them. Penny is the only person I know, besides Baz, who would study on the weekend. She must have been at the library when I texted her, because she arrived at the dining hall in record time. 

“I almost slept through breakfast, Pen, can you believe it? I don’t even recognize myself!” I smile back at her, then scan my eyes over all of her books. “What’s going on here?” 

“The day you sleep through breakfast is the day I decide I’m okay with not getting good grades in my classes.” She laughs, then reaches to push up her glasses. The frames are purple, I think they’re new. I like them. “I’m trying to get a head start on my term papers.” She huffs, then flattens her palms across the top book in the stack. 

“Your term papers that aren’t due for three months?” My eyes widen. Maybe this is why I barely scrape by with passing grades in all my classes. I had no clue you were supposed to start term papers three months early. 

“I can write them now, and then I won’t have to worry about them when it’s time for them to be due. Simply saving myself some stress.” She says it like it’s so easy. 

“I’ve known you since we were eleven, you’d think some of your good qualities would have rubbed off on me by now.” I laugh, and when I realize I laughed with my mouth full I slap a hand over my mouth. 

“You’d  _ think _ , wouldn’t you?” Penny looks at me in a way no one else does. Like she genuinely cares about me and what I’m saying. No matter how stupid I sound, Penny still looks at me like what I’m saying matters. I love her for that. 

“Have you talked to Aggie?” I question, hating myself for changing the subject. 

“Have _ you _ ?”

“It’s been three days.” 

“Well, that’s not the longest she’s gone without speaking to you before.” Penny sighs. I know she hates when I let Agatha decide how long she’s going to not speak to me. She wants me to stand up for myself. I’m not sure I know how. 

“I know, but have you talked to her?” 

“Barely. I saw her leaving class yesterday. You know I don’t like talking to her when she isn’t talking to you.” 

“I know. I’ve been trying to text her. She’s not responding. I don’t want to just show up on her doorstep.” I squeeze the bridge of my nose. 

“Maybe you should.” 

This statement surprises me. Penny’s usually not the one to tell me what I should do, she always stands behind my decisions. Sometimes I wish she would tell me what to do, seeing as she’s way smarter than me, but she says I should be able to figure things out on my own. 

“How do you think that would go?” I need to know her rationale. 

“Well, it would force her to talk to you, for one thing.”

“Or she could just slam the door in my face and tell me to fuck off!” 

“That, too. But, in this scenario, we’re hoping she talks to you.” Penny presses her lips into a line, and I know she’s right. 

“I don’t even know what I would say.” I confess, and it’s true, because I don’t. I have no clue what I would say to Agatha if I went and knocked on her door. ‘Hey Aggie! It’s me Simon! Your boyfriend! Why did you stop speaking to me three days ago?’ Now that I think about it, that would probably be a good starter. I just don’t know if I’m ready to hear her answer. 

“Think about how you want the conversation go to.” Penny starts to explain, and I furrow my brow. 

“It’s not about how I want it to go though, is it? It’s about how she does. It’s always about her.”

“Maybe it should be about you, Si.” Penny reaches over and puts her hand on top of mine. I sigh. 

“I want her to say everything is fine and we can move on. Maybe she’s just in a bad mood.” I reason, making excuses for Agatha not talking to me. I’ve never been in a relationship before her, so I don’t really know if this is normal. Penny says it isn’t. But who says that things that are abnormal for other people can’t be normal for me? 

“I just hate the way it makes you feel when she treats you like this. It’s like she has a complete and total disregard for everything you may be feeling, and she only thinks about herself and what’s good for her. It’s quite disgusting, honestly. You’re good to her, and she ignores you in return. It just doesn’t make sense.” 

“I guess I have to go and talk to her.” I run my hands through my hair and squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to let my mind drift off to the worst possible scenario. 

“It could go really well!” Penny is smiling again, and I know she’s trying to bring some optimism back into my train of thought. 

“I don’t know, Pen. I have a bad feeling about this one.” The last time Agatha ignored me like this I had a bad feeling about it, but she still started talking to me again. Maybe this time will go the same. 

“You’ll never know until you talk to her. Maybe it’ll be different this time because you’re going to her instead of waiting for her to come to you.” 

**BAZ**

I can’t stop thinking about the way Snow was staring at me. Or through me. I couldn’t quite tell which one it was. Either way, I had to put an end to it before he realized he was staring and we made uncomfortable eye contact. I hate making eye contact with him. His blue eyes are one of my favorite things about him, and I almost feel guilty for looking into them. I feel fear too, because I know my quick gaze could turn to a longing gaze if I look in his eyes for too long. 

I’m pathetic. 

Who the hell falls in love with their straight roommate? With a girlfriend? Who is that hopeless? 

I guess I am. I could force myself not to love him anymore. I must really love to torture myself in that way. 

I’m supposed to take the train out to see my family today. Our agreement is that I come home once a month, and it’s the first Saturday of the month, so I may as well get it over with. I reach to shut the curtains before I climb out of the bed. The sun is not my friend, even if it is just streaming in through the window. 

I dress quickly and grab the essentials before walking out the door. It’s only a short walk to the subway station from our dorm and I’m there in no time, buying a ticket that will take me all the way to The Hamptons. I’ll have to transfer from the subway to an above ground train in Long Island. The trip should take about three hours altogether. It’s worth the commute to only have to see my insufferable family once a month. I hope Fiona is there. Sometimes she’s the only one I can stand to talk to for longer than five minutes. 

The train is packed when I transfer at the Long Island station. I notice a seat open next to a girl with the longest blonde hair I’ve ever seen, and I offer her a smile as I sit beside her. I don’t always have to look menacing. Sometimes I smile at strangers. The girl smiles back at me and I notice an emptiness in her eyes that I often see in my own when I look in the mirror. 

We sit quietly for most of the train ride. I brought a book and I’m thumbing through the pages quickly, speed reading. I notice the girl’s phone lighting up over and over, and she sighs with each notification. 

“Someone’s popular.” I offer this statement with a smirk, not sure why I’m trying to make small talk. 

“I wish I wasn’t.” She replies, reaching to click the lock button once again. 

“What’s so bad about it?” I’m curious, I can’t help it. 

“I suppose it would be different if the texts were all from different people, but they’re from one. My boyfriend. I just wish he would leave me alone.” 

There’s an emotion connected to her words. I can’t tell if it’s sadness or annoyance. 

“Why don’t you respond to him?” I’ve never had a boyfriend, but if I did, I wouldn’t leave that many messages with no response. 

“I don’t know how to tell him I don’t love him anymore. So I’m not saying anything at all.” 

She glances over at me, and now I’m sure the emotion in her voice is actually just a mixture of sadness and annoyance. She wants the boy to stop talking to her so she has time to figure things out. That’s understandable. 

“If you don’t love him anymore, why don’t you just let him go?” I ask. That seems like the right thing to say, anyways. 

“I guess it’s not that simple. He loves me so much, and he’s constantly telling me, and I don’t know if I could stand the look on his face if I tell him I don’t love him back.” 

“I don’t think it’s fair for either of you to stay in the relationship if the feelings are one sided. One sided feelings are incredibly painful. His love for you is probably hurting him just as much right now because you’re not talking to him.”

“You sound like you have experience with this.” She’s smiling now, and raising an eyebrow at me. 

“Not necessarily. I love a boy who will never in a million years love me back. At least I don’t have to hear him tell me he doesn’t love me anymore, because he never has to begin with.” I don’t know why I’m telling a stranger how I feel about Snow. It’s not like she knows who he is. 

“I want to tell him. I just don’t want to be the one who breaks his heart. That’s why I’m on this stupid train, I’m running home for the weekend to avoid him. Maybe I’ll work up the courage to tell him on Monday.” She sounds exhausted.

“I think sooner would be better than later. But that’s just coming from me, your train therapist.” I smirk at her. 

“Thanks for the vent session,” She smiles, “Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone about something when they have absolutely no tie to the situation.” 

“I get that,” I reply, “When you’re breaking it off with your boy maybe I can think about telling mine how I feel. That’s probably unlikely. Maybe I’ll just try to be his friend.” 

“What’s the harm in that?” 

We both look out the window as the train comes to a stop, and then say our goodbyes. I wonder if I’ll ever run into this girl again. I realize as we’re stepping off the train in different directions that I didn’t even ask for her name. 

**SIMON**

When I walk out of the dining hall I head straight for Agatha’s apartment. I have to ask her what’s going on, why she won’t talk to me, why she always ignores me when she should just tell me what’s happening. 

I’m knocking on the door before I can stop myself. There’s no response. I send her a text to let her know I’m outside in case she has headphones on, and again, I’m met with no response. I wait a few minutes before sending another text. Maybe she was in the shower! I let her know that I’m outside her apartment and I want to talk. 

I wait outside the door for an hour before I give up. Agatha’s not home. I can try again later, in the evening, but I have a feeling that no matter how many times I knock on her door today I’m not going to get the answer I want in return. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baz and Agatha have never met in this fic, and that's why they don't recognize each other on the train hehe! Also, I figure Baz's family would definitely live in the Hamptons, like the generic rich people they are. 
> 
> Also, we meet Penny! I can't decide if I want to write sections from her POV. Let me know what you guys think! 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took me a little while to write because i was searching for the perfect song to listen to in the background while writing! 
> 
> i settled on run by lewis watson, and oh boy, my chest hurts!

**SIMON**

My monday morning alarm is going off and I groan as I reach over to silence it. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve working these awful early morning shifts, but I must have done something. I do a quick stretch before I swing my legs out of the bed and try to move quietly through the room so I don’t disturb Baz. Sometimes he sleeps through my alarms and sometimes he doesn’t, it’s hit or miss. He got in late last night, after I was asleep, and I’m not sure where he was all weekend. It’s not like he left a note that said ‘Hey Si! Leaving for the weekend! See you Monday!’ 

If Baz were to disappear, I would be a terrible detective. The only place I would know to check is the library. 

The cafe is quiet when I arrive, and that’s the only thing I like about being an opener. I can drink coffee and eat a pastry while I get everything ready for the day, and for at least an hour there’s no angry customers to bother me. There’s a whole different breed of person that comes to a cafe at five in the morning, and they’re mostly angry. 

I pin my nametag to my chest and take a deep breath as I turn the closed sign around so it reads open, and I’m already ready for this shift to be over. I still feel worried about what’s going on with Agatha. Maybe I can try to talk to her again after work. 

**BAZ**

Snow is making noise, as usual. I can tell he’s trying to be more quiet, which I would appreciate if he was succeeding in his endeavor. I pretend I’m still sleeping until he leaves the room, and then I groan. Loudly. I grab a pillow and press it to my face and lie still for a moment. 

Well. I guess I’m up now. 

The girl from the train has been on my mind all weekend. I wonder if she told her boyfriend how she was feeling. I remember I told her I’d try to make friends with the boy I loved. I can’t actually be friends with Snow. That’s absurd. 

Or is it? 

I shake my head and rub my eyes, I can’t start my week by thinking like that. I’m not optimistic. Of course I can’t be friends with him. He’d hate me if he got to know me. He thinks he wants to know me. He doesn’t. 

I don’t have class for a few hours, I suppose I could go to the library and catch up on some reading. I hate not being busy. Whenever I’m not thinking about school I’m thinking about Snow or my parents or something that will drive me equally as crazy. 

The library is fairly busy for early in the morning when I stroll inside. I choose a table near the back by the window so I can watch the sun rise as I work. Just because my skin hates the sun doesn’t mean I have to hate the sun too. 

I’m reading an enthralling chapter of my Greek mythology book when I smell the best thing I’ve smelled in a long time. I can’t help but turn around to see where it’s coming from, and much to my dismay, Snow’s friend Penelope is walking towards me. 

“Bunce.” I acknowledge, eyeing the drink in her hand. “You weren’t trying to sneak up on me, were you? It wouldn’t have worked, that smells amazing.” 

“Never took you for a pumpkin guy, Basil.” Penelope is smiling at me, and I scowl. 

“How many times do I have to ask you not to call me Basil.” I cock a brow at her. 

“Maybe when you stop calling me Bunce?” She offers, and I shake my head. 

“Never.” I turn back to my book, and then Penelope is sitting in front of me. So much for my quiet morning. 

“Pumpkin mocha breve, if you were wondering. Simon made it. He could make one for you, if you go to the cafe.” 

“As good as that smells, I’ll pass on seeing Snow.” I can still feel her eyes boring into my skull. 

“Ah, I see.” She starts to shuffle her things and I think she might be leaving, but she’s pulling out a book. 

“What are we, study buddies?” I glare, trying to make it known that I was working alone. 

“Simon always says you’re insufferable, so I’m going to find out for myself.” 

He thinks I’m insufferable. Of course he does. I am. 

**PENELOPE**

Baz looks like I punched him in the gut when I mention that Simon finds him insufferable. I thought they had a mutual understanding of hating each other, but then again, I don’t talk to Baz enough to know things from his perspective. 

Simon talks about Baz like he’s the Wicked Witch of the West. He always mentions how he tries to be Baz’s friend constantly and Baz won’t even give him the time of day. Baz always has a scowl on his face (I wonder if it’s the same as the scowl that’s coming back across his features right now). Baz never has anything nice to say. Baz thinks Simon is dumb. 

I understand that Simon can be a lot to handle sometimes, trust me, I’ve known him for almost ten years. But that boy is loyal, caring, optimistic, kind, and a whole bunch of other positive adjectives I could string along there too. He’s a good friend, and he would go to the ends of the earth for someone if they needed him. 

Who wouldn’t want to be friends with him? 

It’s not really my place to try and investigate any further. Simon always gets mad at me for meddling, especially with his personal business, so I’ll stay out of it. For now. 

I’m still confused by Baz’s slightly hurt expression at my statement. He has to know Simon thinks that about him. He’s not exactly the friendliest person. 

“What myth are you reading about?” Maybe talking to him won’t be such a bad thing. I’ll find out if he’s as unpleasant as Simon claims he is. Yeah. That’ll be good. 

“Hades and Persephone.” He replies, dryly. 

“Holy shit, such a good one. Everyone always makes Hades out to be a monster but he’s a pretty good guy.” Baz looks up at me with a sort of knowing look in his eye. Interesting. I’m trying not to read too much into the situation, but I feel like he may resonate with my statement. I want to ask him about it, but I know that would be a bad idea. 

I cross my arms and lean back in the chair, pursing my lips. It’s hard to carry on a conversation with someone who seems to not like talking. I’m used to talking with Simon and that boy never wants to stop talking. Baz is quieter. More reserved. He looks stoic, I’ve noticed that the few times I’ve interacted with him before. There’s something about him that makes me think he doesn’t want to let anyone in. 

He’s going to let me in. 

I’m pretty good with people. I notice that whenever I want to befriend someone, it always works. I’ll just do the same thing with Baz that I do with everyone else. I’m trustworthy, right? 

I think he notices me smiling at him, because he has a sort of ‘eat shit’ look on his face now. 

“What?” I question, wondering if me challenging him will be the way to learn what he’s thinking. 

**BAZ**

Penelope is up to something. 

“Bunce, if I wanted to talk, I would ring my Grandmother. I didn’t ask you to sit with me.” I try to sound as snarky as possible, and it usually works, no one sticks by my side for long. 

“Doesn’t matter if you want to talk to me. I want to talk to you.” She’s a nightmare. 

“I’ll sit here silently, then.” I look back to my book, and flip a page. 

We sit quietly for almost an hour before Penelope begins loudly gathering up her things. I don’t mean to glance up at her, but the noise startles me, and my eyes land on her face before I can stop myself. 

“Alright, Basil, I have to go to class. See you tomorrow?” She’s smiling at me. I glare. 

“Not if I can help it!” I put a bookmark in my book and shut it, because Penelope’s loudness reminded me it is also time for my class. 

“You can’t run from me, you know.” She’s raising a brow now. 

“I’m very good at running from things.” I don’t lie, it’s no secret that I run from my dorm room on a daily basis. I’m sure Penelope knows that. 

“Whatever! See you tomorrow.” She’s walking away now, and her argyle skirt is bouncing along with her stride. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone other than a school kid with a uniform wear a skirt like that. 

I barely focus through my classes. I’m scowling more than usual today, and I feel less approachable than ever. 

I have to do something about Snow. I’ll talk to him next time I see him. ‘Hello, Snow.’ I mouth the words to myself and they feel weird coming out of my mouth. ‘Good evening, Snow.’ These feel even worse, and I probably look like I’m talking to myself from the perspective of everyone else in the room. Maybe I’ll just say ‘Hey.’ That’s harmless, right? 

**AGATHA**

I’m pretty sure I’ve been staring at one ceiling or another for the past five days. Getting your heart broken hurts, but knowing you’re about to break someone else’s heart is a whole other level of pain I don’t think I’m prepared to deal with. 

That’s selfish of me though, isn’t it? It’s the same thing I’ve been doing, sitting idly by for months not breaking up with him even though I don’t love him anymore. He could have found someone else by now, he could be happy. But he stays with me because he loves me, and he’s convinced we’re each other’s future. 

I’m not Simon’s future, and he isn’t mine. 

I just don’t know how to tell him that. 

The guy on the train seemed to think I should just rip the band aid off. I know he was right. The longer I sit quietly the more it’s going to hurt Simon. It’s already going to hurt him so much. I wish I didn’t have to do this. 

I’m lost in thought when my phone buzzes, and it’s a text from him. 

**Simon (12:18 pm):** hey aggie

**Simon (12:18 pm):** i’m leaving work and i don’t have class til three if u want to talk

**Simon (12:18 pm):** gonna get food. u know where to find me

I stare at the messages and take a deep breath. Time to rip off the band aid. It’s the fair thing to do. 

**SIMON**

I’m in the middle of shoving a sandwich down my throat when I see an unmistakable waterfall of blonde hair walking away from me. She must have walked right past me and not seen me. Our usual table was taken, so I had to pick somewhere different. She’s turning around now, eyes scanning across the room until she finds me. 

Pick your jaw up off the table, Simon, you look like an idiot. I am an idiot. I’m thinking about what all I want to say to her as she storms over to me, and she seems frazzled. 

“Si-” She starts, and I hate myself for doing it, but I interrupt her. 

“Wait. Me first. I always let you go first and then I never get to say what I want to say.” I’m oddly calm now that I’m talking. I just know that no matter what we talk about it’s going to be okay in the end, so maybe that’s why I’m not nervous. 

“Okay, go on then.” She slowly sits down in the chair across from me and crosses her hands on the table. 

“I just want to say that it’s okay you didn’t talk to me for a few days. I know I probably did something to upset you. So it’s okay.” 

**AGATHA**

He didn’t do anything to upset me. I want to tell him so, but he’s speaking again before I can say. 

**SIMON**

“I know I can be a lot to handle sometimes, so next time you feel like you want to shut me out, just talk to me instead? It would be a lot easier if you just told me what was going on instead of letting me wonder what upset you this time. Seems like it’s something I do a lot, and we all know I’m a bit idiotic, so y’know. I’d just like to know.” 

She’s staring at me, and the conversation takes a turn in a direction I wasn’t expecting. 

**AGATHA**

“There won’t be a next time, Simon.” My facial expression is flat. I see Simon’s cheeks threaten to turn up into a smile, but then he recognizes my tone of voice, and he’s making his confused face. I’m really going to have to spell it out for him. 

**SIMON**

She has to mean she’s not going to ignore me again, right? Shouldn’t that be a good thing? Why isn’t she smiling? 

“That’s good, right? No next time? You’ll talk to me if something is wrong?” I feel like I’m pleading with her. 

“There won’t be a next time because we aren’t going to be together, Si.” Her words hit me like bricks. I feel like she slapped me across the face, and she may as well have. I’m sick to my stomach. 

“You’re joking, right? This is a joke? You’re going to start cracking up and say you’re kidding any moment.” I feel myself starting to panic. 

“I’m not joking. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and I just don’t think things are working out.” She sounds emotionless. How is she handling this so well? 

“How long is a long time?” I need answers. I try not to let anger seep into my words. 

“Six months?” She’s thinking now, remembering when she first started doubting that we should be together. 

“Six  _ months _ ?” I raise my voice slightly, then remember we’re in public, and take a breath to calm down. “Six months, Agatha? You didn’t think you should have said something six months ago? We could have fixed it!” I know I’m pleading with her now. “We can still fix it!” 

“We can’t fix it.” She can’t even look at me when she speaks. 

“Why not? We’re us, Aggie. Of course we can fix it.” 

“I don’t love you anymore, Simon. I haven’t, for a while. So no matter how much you want to fix this, we can’t, okay? We can’t fix this. I should have told you sooner. I have to go.” She’s getting up and walking away before her sentence is even finished. 

My hands are clenched into fists underneath the table, and I can feel tears starting to rise to the surface. I have to get out of here. She didn’t even let me say anything else. I guess it wouldn’t be Agatha without her leaving a lot up to the imagination. 

She doesn’t love me anymore. She hasn’t loved me for months. 

What did I do to make her stop loving me? 

I barely think as I throw away my lunch and walk back to the dorm. Baz is going to be home. I wish for once that he would be anywhere but our room. 

I’m pushing open the door and dropping my things on the floor, and I hear his voice, but I don’t respond. 

_ I don’t love you anymore. I don’t love you anymore. I don’t love you anymore.  _ The five words echo over and over in my head as I crawl into my bed and face the wall. 

I always knew I was unlovable. Agatha made me feel like maybe I was wrong about myself, but she just proved me right. 

_ I don’t love you anymore _ .

**BAZ**

I’m sitting at my desk working on homework from class when Snow comes barreling through the door. He shouldn’t be home yet. 

I’m going to do it. I’m going to talk to him. 

“Hey-” I’m spinning around in my desk chair with an actual pleasant expression on my face, but Snow doesn’t seem to hear me. He’s kicking off his shoes and dropping his school bag in a heap on the floor, and he’s in bed without a word, body turned towards the wall. 

He never sleeps facing the wall. He’s always facing me. 

Something is wrong. I don’t know what it is, but I’m going to find out. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! many things to come..
> 
> i fly by the seat of my pants when i write, so who knows where this will go next!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit longer than the others, so I hope you enjoy!!

**BAZ**

I have another class in the afternoon, and Snow is still in his bed facing the wall when I leave. I know he must have missed a class, because he’s never in the room when I come back for lunch after my morning class. I want to ask him what’s wrong, but it’s not like me to miss class, and I don’t exactly think it would go well if I tapped him on the shoulder and asked him to tell me what was on his mind. 

I’ll just let him sleep it off, right? Maybe he was tired from work. I’ll keep telling myself that so I don’t go crazy during Mythology. I actually like that class. 

I slip out of the room quietly (much more quietly than Snow ever leaves the room when  _ I’m _ trying to sleep) and make my way back to the main section of campus. I wish I had Penelope’s phone number, I would love to send her a message and see if she knows what the fuck is going on with Snow. 

Maybe I’ll get lucky and run into her. She’ll know what to do. 

I feel like pure shit that I don’t know what to do when Snow is upset about something considering we lived together the entire school year last year, but I was too busy avoiding him to learn what he likes when he’s in a bad mood. Now that I think about it I’m unsure whether or not I’ve ever actually seen him upset before. He’s definitely seen me upset. Most of the time I direct my anger right at him, too. I’m a bad person for doing that. It’s a defense mechanism, I can admit. 

Class drags on slower than usual. I’m tapping my pencil against the table and I know it’s annoying the girl beside me because she’s giving me a look, but I can’t stop myself. Nervous habit. As soon as the professor starts making his closing remarks I’m up and out of the room, and making a beeline back to the dorm. 

I could call this deja-vu if I was disillusioned, because Snow is laying in the same place I left him. Body facing the wall, clutching onto one of his pillows. It’s after six, and he’s usually down at the dining hall with Penelope right now. Agatha would be there too, I think. He’s mentioned that they all usually have dinner together. 

Agatha. That’s right. He mentioned on Friday that she wasn’t talking to him. He’s probably upset about that. How big of an idiot am I? 

I wish I could give her a piece of my mind. Ask her why she was ignoring him, because as much as it pains me to see him with someone else, I think it’s going to hurt me more to see Snow upset like this. I want to take it all away from him and feel it myself, but I know that’s not possible. 

I’ve never been in a relationship, so I wouldn’t exactly know how it feels when something bad is happening within one. I can imagine it feels fucking terrible, though, so I know I need to try and do something for Snow. I hate him for it, but I know if I was the one laying in my bed like this he’d try and do something for me. 

Snow never misses a meal. I’ll order pizza. How can he resist pizza? I’m opening the Dominoes app and plugging in my usual order with some added items for Snow’s benefit. Once he smells pizza in the room he’ll get up from his bed, I’m sure of it. 

I try and distract myself by reading while I wait for the pizza delivery. I can barely read one full page without letting myself glance over at him, at the back of his head. His hair is so curly back there, and I want to run my hands through it. 

The pizza arrives just in time to snap me out of that thought, and I’m jumping up from the bed to go get it from the lobby. I give the delivery guy a huge tip because I don’t want to wait for change, then flash him a smile before heading back upstairs. I’m taking the steps two at a time which is easy with my long legs, and I’m prepared for Snow to shoot out of the bed when the smell of dough and cheese wafts through our doorway. 

But the thing is, he doesn’t. 

I see him shift a little bit, so I know he’s awake, but he doesn’t move. I’m shocked. 

“Snow, I got pizza. Want some?” I sit on the edge of his bed, a new territory for me, and try to peer over to see what his face looks like. I can’t really tell. 

He groans in response and pulls his blanket up over his head, and I can take a message. He wants me to leave him alone. 

“Fine, but if you decide you want some, it’s here, yeah?” I move back to my own bed and sit the pizza boxes on my desk, then flip open the lid to the top one. Snow not eating doesn’t mean I have to go on a hunger strike. 

The room is oddly quiet throughout the rest of the evening. I manage to get some studying done and a lot of work on a project that’s due in a few weeks, so I feel accomplished. The room feels smaller without Snow’s usual light filling it up. 

**SIMON**

I’m not sure how long I’ve been laying in the bed. It must have been a few hours. Baz is talking to me, but I don’t really hear what he’s saying. I know he left the room and came back, probably for class. I missed my class. Whatever. 

Her words are still echoing over and over again in my head.  _ I don’t love you anymore _ . I don’t want to ever fall in love again if this is what it feels like when the person you love tells you they don’t feel the same anymore. I want to know what I did to cause her to fall out of love with me. I wonder if she ever really loved me, or if she just loved the idea of me. 

Penny says I can be a lot to handle sometimes. Agatha probably just got tired of trying to handle me. Hell, I think I would get tired of trying to handle me too. 

I smell the pizza when Baz brings it in the room, but I don’t feel like eating. He’s sitting on my bed and offering me food and I’m not taking it. It doesn’t even register that this is the first time Baz has ever offered to share  _ anything _ with me before. 

I don’t know how I’m going to manage to get up and go to work and class tomorrow. I probably just won’t go. I haven’t cried yet, but I know that the first time someone asks me if I’m okay I will cry. So I can’t give anyone the chance to ask me. I may have to hide in my bed for a while. 

I realize I have to use the restroom so I haul myself out of the bed and in the bathroom, and as soon as I finish I’m crawling right back under my covers, facing the wall. Baz seems like he’s in the mood to chat, and for once in my life, I’m not. 

I hope he doesn’t ask me if I’m okay. 

**BAZ**

Snow got up once all evening and went to the bathroom. At least I know he’s alive. I’m not sure what time I fall asleep, but I wake up to my alarm in the morning instead of being woken up before it to Snow rummaging around the room getting ready for work. I kind of miss sneaking glances at him while he finds his apron or shoves all his school things in his backpack. I take a glance over at him now, and  _ shit _ .

He’s in the same position as last night. Fuck me. What am I supposed to do here? 

I remember how Penelope walked into the library a little while after me yesterday. It’s possible she could be there now. I should ask her for help. She knows Snow better than anyone, and she probably knows what to do when he’s sad. 

I pull on a pair of black slacks and grab one of my many floral button downs from the closet. Times like this are when I wish I dared wear sweatpants, or even jeans, in public. But, I’m going to class today, and I can’t let anyone see me slip. 

How fucking pretentious of me. 

No matter. I pull my hair up in a bun and dart out the door, then take one last look at Snow over my shoulder as the door shuts. The more I try and fix whatever’s going on with him the more he may clue in on my feelings for him. I decide I don’t really care, because that may be worth it to see him smile again. It’s going to make me go crazy the longer he lays in his bed facing the wall. 

“Bunce!” I lay eyes on her and I’m not expecting myself to yell, but I do. 

“Jesus, Basil, what?” 

“I need to talk to you.” I’ve got her cornered on her way out of the library, and she has to listen to me. 

“Yesterday you said if you wanted to talk you’d call your grandma.” 

**PENELOPE**

“Something’s wrong with Snow.” Baz looks uneasy. I can’t focus on that right now because my mind is immediately jumping to Simon. 

“No, he would have called me if something was wrong.” I shake my head. 

“Something’s wrong, Bunce, I know it! He came in the room yesterday and got in his bed and he’s facing the wall, and he hasn’t moved since, he didn’t get up when I said I brought him pizza, he did get up once to go to the bathroom, but other than that! He’s been in one place!” Baz speaks, out of breath. 

“Well shit, Basil, did you ask him what was wrong?” That would be the logical thing to do, right? 

“I don’t exactly think he would tell me, do you?” 

“He’ll tell me.” I reply. I have class in an hour, but that gives me enough time to zip over to Simon’s dorm and see if he’ll answer the door. 

“I have class, but do you want to let me know how it goes?” Basil is shoving his phone into my hand, I assume so I can give him my phone number. 

“Yeah, okay.” I tap in my number quickly and shove the phone back at him, then press my lips together. 

Simon only ever gets upset over one thing. One person. If he’s been facing the wall for an entire day, holy shit. 

Agatha broke up with him. 

**BAZ**

Penelope looks like she has a plan. I think she does, at least, because after she shoved my phone back into my hand she ran off in the direction of our dorm. 

I hope Simon talks to her. I realize that I locked the door on my way out, so hopefully he’ll get out of the bed and let her in. I guess I’ll be hearing from her soon. I type a quick message and send it so she has my number too. All there’s left to do now is go to my Classics lecture and wait. 

**PENELOPE**

“Simon, get up, let me in!” I’m pounding on the door to Simon’s dorm room, and pleading with him, practically begging for him to come and unlock the door. 

I hear a groan from inside the room, which I know means ‘Leave me alone!’ in Simon noises. He’s not getting away with this that easily. 

“You know I know how to use a credit card to pick the lock!” The good thing about Simon living in one of the older dorms is that they don’t have key cards, they have a good old fashioned lock and key. 

I’m met with another groan to my statement, and then the door to the room swings open. He’s already climbing back in the bed before I can walk over the threshold. 

“Si,” I walk and sit on the edge of his bed, trying to keep my tone gentle. Simon doesn’t do well under stress or when he’s upset, so I know the best way to be there for him is just to listen. I’ll sit here all day (fuck, I’ll have to miss a class. That’s beside the point.) if it means he’ll eventually open up to me and tell me what’s wrong. 

“I don’t want to talk, Pen.” His voice is barely above a whisper, and he’s not looking at me. 

“You don’t have to talk. I’m just going to sit here with you.” 

“You don’t have to babysit me, I’m fine.” 

“You’re obviously not fine if you’re missing work and class and facing the wall for almost a full twenty-four hours. Baz told me.” 

I think this grabs Simon’s attention, and he turns over to face me. 

“What does he care?” Simon asks. 

“He said he’s worried about you, I think he wants to help but he doesn’t know how.” 

“S’not true.” He’s rolling back over to face the wall again. 

“He came to the library looking for me because he thought I would know how to help you.” 

“Pushing me onto you like I’m a problem, then. I bet he just wants me to leave the room so he doesn’t have to look at me.” His words are muffled by the blanket he’s pulling up to cover his head. 

“He said he tried to bring you food last night and you wouldn’t eat. Has Baz ever brought you anything before? He’s worried. That’s beside the point. Do you want to talk about what happened?” I’m taking a risk by asking this. 

“Fuck, Penny, didn’t I say I didn’t want to talk?” Simon snaps, turning his head to look at me again. I can see it in his eyes that he didn’t mean to snap, but he has a tendency to do it when he’s upset. 

“You did, but I just thought I’d offer. You don’t have to tell me anything.” I want him to tell me  _ something _ . I want to know if I’m right about Agatha breaking up with him. I felt like it was going to happen months ago but it never did, and I was scared for when it did. 

She knew how much it would break Simon to lose her. She knew how vulnerable he is. I talked to her when they started dating about how he seems brave and he’ll stand up for everyone except himself. He hasn’t been like this in a long time. She had to have broken up with him, because he would never have broken up with her. 

Sometimes I almost wanted to tell him just to do it, especially during the days or weeks where Agatha would ignore him. Simon deserves more than that. 

He was there for me every second of my breakup with Micah, and even though it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, he was constantly reminding me that there were better things coming for me and I eventually believed him. 

I want to be there for him like he was there for me. I hope he’ll let me. 

**SIMON**

Of course Baz went to Penny. I didn’t know they talked to each other at all. I really don’t feel like telling her anything, but I have a feeling she’s not going to leave me alone until I do. I’m not good at talking about my feelings. I don’t want to talk about what happened, or think about it at all. I wish I could erase everything from yesterday. 

“Don’t you have class, or something?” I’m speaking to the wall, but my words are directed at Penny. 

“Class doesn’t matter, I’m staying with you.” She answers. 

“Are you kidding, Pen? You never miss a class. Just go. I’ll be fine.” I’m not fine. I don’t know what would have to happen for me to feel fine. 

“I feel bad leaving you alone.” She’s persistent, that’s for sure. 

“I  _ want _ to be alone.” I insist. 

“If I come back tomorrow will you talk then?” 

“I don’t know, Pen, just go to class, okay? I’ll talk when I’m ready.” I sigh. 

She seems to accept this answer, because I feel my bed shift as she stands up from it. I shouldn’t have said I would talk at all, I don’t want to talk, but I know saying I’ll talk eventually will be enough to get her to leave me be. 

I hear the door open and shut and I roll over onto my back. The ceiling is peeling around the corners of the room, and it’s so quiet. I like living in a dorm because there’s always something going on, always some noise to drown out my thoughts. 

I’m never home when everyone is in class. It’s too quiet. 

**BAZ**

I can barely focus through my class. My professor’s voice is particularly monotonous today and all I can think about is whether or not Penelope was able to get through to Snow. As soon as class is dismissed I’m storming out of the lecture hall and pulling my phone out of my pocket. Relief washes over me when I read the first message, but I’m settling back into worry when I read the second. 

**Bunce** (11:43 am): I made it in the room. 

**Bunce** (11:44 am): He wouldn’t talk to me, he kept telling me to leave and saying he wanted to be alone. 

**Bunce** (11:44 am): Though, he did say he’d talk eventually. Maybe we just need to give him time. 

**Me** (12:05 pm): What should I do, then? Not go home? If he wouldn’t talk to you he certainly won’t talk to me. 

**Bunce** (12:07 pm): I think you can go to the room, just leave him alone. Simon has a habit of only talking if he wants to, so maybe he’ll surprise us. 

**Bunce** (12:07 pm): I have class now. Let me know if he talks, yeah? 

**Me** (12:08 pm): Yeah, will do. 

I have one more class to sit through before I’m done for the day. I’m tempted to make an excuse to go back to the dorm to check on Snow, but I don’t have an actual good reason to go back. 

Everyone in my Poetry course is getting on my nerves today. I know I’m particularly on edge because of wanting to go home to check on Snow, but fuck, can people be more annoying? Their interpretation of the poem we read is completely wrong, yet they’re talking to the class about it like their minds came up with the best explanation of a poem that’s ever been thought of before. 

There’s a grimace on my face as I walk out of the room five minutes early. If I didn’t get out of there, I felt like I was going to explode. 

Simon is asleep when I walk back into our room. He’s not facing the wall anymore, but I figure he just rolled over while he was sleeping. He’s on his back and snoring lightly, the mouth breather. It’s actually comforting to see him like this. I wish there was a way I could ensure he was having a good dream so he could escape from whatever was hurting him while he’s awake. 

This would be a very convenient time for magic to be real. 

Nevertheless, Snow is asleep, so I have to be quiet as I move about the room. I eventually settle into my bed with a book, because reading is the quietest thing I know how to do. Usually, I would read a book for class, but this one is more of a pleasure read. 

I’m lost in the story of Hester Prynne for over an hour before I hear something stirring in the room besides my occasional flip of the pages. I glance out of the corner of my eye and Snow has rolled over in his bed, no longer facing the wall or the ceiling, but looking at me. 

_ Be kind, Basilton _ . I think to myself before I choose my words. A pleasant expression is on my face. 

“Snow.” How simple of me. 

“Go back to your book. I can’t lay on my other shoulder anymore. It hurts.” He’s using his grumpy voice. It’s adorable. 

“You could get up and walk around?” I offer, knowing it won’t go over well. 

“Whatever, I’ll just lay facing this way.” He closes his eyes again, and I do as I’m told, looking back at my book. 

It’s silent for a few minutes before Snow speaks again. 

“What are you reading?” His voice is quiet, like he thinks he’s not allowed to ask me a question. 

I have to decide whether or not I want to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Do I ask why he wants to talk about my book but he wouldn’t talk to Penelope about why he was upset? I don’t think I should ask. He’ll tell me if he feels comfortable, though I don’t know why he would. 

“It’s The Scarlet Letter, did you read it in high school?” I look over at him, and he’s shaking his head no. 

“Well, there’s a woman named Hester, and her town forces her to wear a big red A on her chest because she was charged with adultering.” I give a quick synopsis. 

“What about the man?” Snow questions. 

“What about him?” I reply. 

“Didn’t he have to wear one too?” 

“No, no he didn’t.” 

“Shit’s fucked up.” Snow states, and I hold back a laugh. 

“Yeah, Snow, shit’s pretty fucked up.” I realize I’m smiling now, but I don’t let it fall from my face. I’m smiling in front of Simon Snow, something I promised myself I would never do, and he’s looking right back at me. 

**SIMON**

Baz is smiling at me. Holy shit. This is all I’ve ever wanted, and it’s all because I asked him a question about his stupid book. 

Something washes over me and I feel like in that moment I could tell Baz anything. So I do. 

“Agatha dumped me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm in the midst of working on a spotify playlist for this fic.. so maybe i'll have it ready next chapter!! thank you for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates in two days.. i'm on a roll!

**SIMON**

“Agatha dumped me.” The words spill out of my mouth before I can stop myself. Why am I even telling him this? I don’t think he cares. 

“Yesterday?” He’s questioning me. 

“Yeah, yesterday. I was trying to eat my lunch and I asked her if she wanted to talk. I didn’t know I was inviting her to our break up luncheon.” I groan, and reach up to squeeze the bridge of my nose. I have a headache. It’s probably dehydration, but I don’t have the energy to get up and get something to drink. 

“Head hurts?” Baz comments, and my eyes snap open. 

“How can you tell?” 

“You’re squeezing your nose, Snow. I do that when my head hurts.” He’s getting off his bed and walking to the front of the room now, bending down and rummaging for something in his bag. 

“Tylenol. Down this, too.” He grabs a bottle of water from the mini fridge and tosses it at me. “Hungry? There’s still pizza in here.”

I’m nodding my head a bit too eagerly, but I don’t care. Cold pizza sounds divine after not eating for a day and a half. I take the medicine like he instructed and down almost the entire bottle of water in one go, then start in on the pizza. 

“She didn’t talk to me for days and then somehow thinks she can get away with walking up to me and saying ‘Hey, Simon, I don’t love you anymore, bye!’ What kind of break up is that!” I’m ranting with my mouth full, but anger is starting to overtake my sadness, so I don’t really care. 

“She said she didn’t love you anymore?” Baz sounds shocked. 

“Yeah, practically threw it in my face like I deserved to hear it. I probably do deserve it, who knows what the fuck I did to mess everything up. I always mess everything up.” 

**BAZ**

He looks pathetic, frankly, sitting in his bed with his duvet wrapped around him, talking through bites of pizza. I notice a change in his tone when he turns from upset to mad, because he raised his voice and has one of his fists clenched. 

It hurts me to know that Agatha said she didn’t love Snow anymore. No one deserves to hear that. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone more deserving of love than Simon Snow. He’s bright, funny, charismatic, and not to mention the most drop dead gorgeous human I’ve ever laid eyes on. That’s beside the point. I’m supposed to be comforting him, right? 

I realize I have no godforsaken idea how to comfort someone in a situation like this. 

“For what it’s worth, Snow, I don’t think you deserved to have your heart broken like that. No one does.” I throw in the last three words so it doesn’t sound so personal. 

“Really? Thought you would love to see me upset.” 

“How shitty of a person do you think I am?” I gape at him, but I know the answer. Very shitty. I’m not exactly nice to him. 

“I just didn’t know you were capable of empathy.” 

“Sympathy, in this case. Empathy is when you’ve experienced what’s making the other person hurt. No one’s ever broken up with me before, but I do feel bad for you, Snow. Believe it or not, I wouldn’t wish heartache on you.” 

“No one’s ever broken up with you before?” 

Of course he’s stuck on that. What a great time for Snow to find out I’ve never been desirable enough for anyone to want me. It works both ways though, I suppose, because I’ve never desired anyone other than him. I won’t tell him that, obviously. 

“No, no breakups for me.” I reply flatly, hoping he won’t pry more. 

“So you were the one doing the breaking up with, then? Do you get off on breaking hearts?” He asks, with the slightest joking tone in his voice. At least he’s not serious. 

“God no, Snow, I’ve never been in a relationship so I’ve never had the chance to be broken up with or be the one doing the breaking up.” 

His face is twisting into the confused look I know and adore, which means he’s thinking hard about something. 

“Why haven’t you been in a relationship? I mean, you’re so smart, and you’re stylish, you read all those books, and you’re good looking! There’s gotta be people who have tried to woo you, right?” 

I lost my breath the second he said I was good looking. I can’t let him know how much his words affect me. 

“Why do you think, Snow? Name off some reasons.” I’m curious to see what he’ll say. 

**SIMON**

Baz is asking me why he’s never been in a relationship? How the fuck would I know? I can think of a few reasons. Does he really want me to say? 

“You’re condescending. Is that the right word?” I ask. 

“You think I’m condescending?” He sounds shocked again. 

“Well, yeah, you think you’re better than everyone else. You dress up and get straight A’s and you just seem like you could care less about other people.” I’ve never met anyone who seems less like a people person than Baz. It never occured to me that he may just be a bit introverted, I guess. But, he did ask me why I thought he’d never been in a relationship. 

“I don’t think I’m better than everyone else, Snow. I dress up because it makes me feel good about myself, and I get straight A’s because I study a shit ton.” He folds his hands in his lap and his eyes are fixed on me. 

“You study a shit ton and you’re a genius, Baz, I know you want to say it.” 

“I’m trying to prove I’m  _ not _ condescending, Snow.” He has a smirk on his face. “Any other reasons?” 

“You’re sort of closed off.” He never talks to me. I’m shocked he’s talking to me now. He pities me, I bet. He’s probably waiting for me to be vulnerable and talk about something he can use against me. 

“I don’t like talking about personal stuff, is that so bad?”

“You don’t like talking about  _ anything _ .” I state, and it’s true. He never replies to me when I’m ranting his ear off about one thing or another. Maybe I never give him a chance to reply. 

“I’m just boring. Nothing to talk about.” 

“Come on, I bet you’re not boring at all. Tell me something I don’t know about you.” 

“I play soccer.” He sighs when he says it. 

“What?” I sit up straighter. I definitely wasn’t expecting to hear him mention playing a sport. 

“That’s right, Snow. I, Baz Pitch, play a sport. Pick your jaw up, it’s not cute.” 

My mouth was hanging open and I didn’t even realize. How did I not know he played a sport? Does he play for the school? Did he play last season? Why have I never seen his uniform? I have so many questions. Should I ask them? 

“Do you play for the school?” This one is safe enough. 

“I do, actually.” All his answers are too short for my liking. 

“How did I not know this?” 

“Well, between your classes and work and spending time with the girls, you didn’t have much time last spring to notice what I was up to.” 

I think back to the spring when soccer season would have been going on. He’s right, I was super busy. I was picking up extra shifts at work and I had a hard class load, then when I wasn’t at work or school I was spending all my time with Penny or Agatha. 

Agatha. 

The spring was less than six months ago. She didn’t love me. 

My mood changes, and I lean back against my headboard. 

“Sorry I said you were condescending.” I speak ahead of me, not facing Baz again. I don’t think I want to talk anymore tonight. 

**BAZ**

“It’s okay, I can see where you’re coming from.” I reply, and it’s true. To the average person, it’s understandable that I could seem condescending. No one ever gets to see me slip. 

I notice the change in Snow’s tone and watch as his gaze becomes blank once again. Fuck me. I brought up the spring, and him hanging out with the girls. Penny and Agatha. He’s thinking about her again. I thought I was doing a somewhat good job at taking his mind off of things, that seemed to be a pretty good strategy, but I managed to fuck it up. 

“So I’m condescending, and closed off.” I offer, wondering if it’ll spark another comment out of him. It’s interesting for me to learn the reasons why Snow thinks someone wouldn’t want to be with me. Maybe I can work on fixing them, for him. I am trying to be his friend now, after all. 

Not exactly a relationship, but it’s a start. I wouldn’t expect him to jump my bones right now anyways, for God’s sake, he just got dumped. That would be shitty of me. Plus, the jury is still out on his sexuality. 

I wish I could just ask. That would be weird, I know, but I hate not knowing. 

He’s silent now, and it looks like he may cry.  _ Take his mind off things _ , I remind myself. 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” I offer, reaching to grab my laptop off the bedside table. Maybe if I put on one of those despicable Christmas movies he seems to love I’ll get to see him smile again. 

“Not really, Baz.” His tone is monotonous, and he’s facing back towards the wall. I guess that’s it, then. I’m not getting anything else from Snow tonight. 

I reach for my phone and tap out a message to Penelope. 

**Me** (9:14 pm): I found out what’s wrong with him. I don’t know if it’s my place to say.

**Bunce** (9:15 pm): WHAT! He told you, and he wouldn’t tell me?

**Bunce** (9:15 pm): I guess he did say he’d talk when he was ready, he didn’t say who he would talk to. 

**Bunce** (9:15 pm): Should I come over?

**Me** (9:16 pm): No, I fucked it up, I said something and he stopped talking and faced the wall again. Maybe tomorrow? 

**Bunce** (9:17 pm): I don’t even want to know what you said. Yeah, tomorrow. I’ll bring breakfast. 

**Me** (9:18 pm): See you then. 

____________________

**PENELOPE**

I make sure to stop in at the cafe where Simon works before I head to the dorms, because I want to tell Ebb that something is wrong. She owns the cafe, and she’s really taken Simon under her wing, so she needs to know why he hasn’t shown up for work. I know for a fact he didn’t go yesterday, and my guess is he didn’t go today either. 

Ebb is understanding, of course, and she tells me that Simon can take however long he needs. She knows it would be hard to haul yourself out of bed for an early morning shift when your world is caving in. Thank god for compassion. 

I take a box of cherry turnovers on my way out, they’re Simon’s favorite, and I head towards the dorm. Baz has class, I think, so I doubt he’ll be there. It’s probably for the best. I’m not sure what his and Simon’s dynamic really is. I don’t think they’re friends, but then again, Simon told Baz what was happening and he wouldn’t even open his mouth for me. 

No matter. Even if he won’t talk to me, I’ll sit with him, because I don’t have class today. 

“Simon, let me in, I have turnovers!” I’m pounding on their door, but it swings open mid knock, and I’m looking into the face of the person I was expecting not to be home. 

“Good luck getting him to move.” Baz speaks, and he sounds exhausted. 

“Since last night?” I motion to Simon in bed, facing the wall.

“Yeah, I think I’ve made the most noise I’ve ever made in the room this morning, and he didn’t move. Didn’t take pleasure in telling me to shut up or anything.” Baz rolls his eyes, and I push past him into the room. 

“Are those-” I cut him off. 

“Turnovers!” I exclaim, plopping onto the edge of Simon’s bed. “Your favorite, Si, cherry!” I open the box and hold it close to his face. I can tell he’s awake because I can see that he’s squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Not hungry.” Simon’s voice is small. 

“You’re always hungry! Want me to feed you?” I offer. So what? There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. 

“He won’t take anything. I tried giving him water and a granola bar already.” Baz chimes in from his bed and I look over, then notice he’s wearing actual silk pajamas. How did I not notice that before?

“That’s a granola bar though, Basil, these are warm freshly baked cherry turnovers! I’ve seen you eat six of these in one sitting, Si!” I pull my legs up onto the bed and cross them under each other. “I’m not leaving until you eat one, my professor cancelled my class, so it’s the perfect day for me to sit here and bug you.” 

“I’m not ready to talk.” He sounds so defeated. I want to take all his pain away. I still don’t know what happened for sure, because he hasn’t told me. 

Baz is watching us from his bed, and I wish he would have told me what Simon told him. I wonder how he got him to talk. He must have done something. 

**BAZ**

I don’t know how I got Simon to talk to me. I know what I didn’t do, and that was force him to talk. I never asked him to talk to me. He probably doesn’t like how much Penelope is prying. Maybe he’d talk if she’d just shut her mouth. I want to tell her so, but I’m trying to be nicer. 

“Yours cancelled too?” I try to talk about something other than Simon. 

“Maybe the teachers are on strike.” Penelope laughs lightly, and I follow suit. That wouldn’t surprise me, the professors here have to put up with so much unnecessary shit. 

“Fine with me, but only for a few days. I actually like going to class.” I sigh, and reach to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. 

“Nerd.” Penelope snorts. 

“Excuse me? I think you like going to class just as much as I do, Bunce.” 

“I would never admit it.” 

“You talk about class all the time, Penny, don’t try to act cool in front of Baz.” Simon pipes up, voice muffled by his duvet. 

I give Penelope a look, hoping she can read my ‘keep talking about something other than him’ expression. 

“So what if I like going to class?” Penelope mirrors my expression back at me, and I nod. 

“I’m certainly not going to judge you. I love all of my classes. I think Mythology is my favorite, though.” 

“What’s your major?” She questions. 

“Literature.” I reply, motioning towards my packed full bookshelf. 

“English Lit, American Lit, have you chosen a path yet?” 

“I’m still kind of general. I love all of it, so it’s going to be hard to decide.” I’m telling the truth, I have absolutely no idea what direction I’m going to take my major. 

Simon rolls over in the bed now, and his eyes land on the box of turnovers in Penelope’s lap. 

“He was reading some fucked up shit last night, weren’t you Baz?” I can tell Simon is happy to have the subject of the conversation focusing on something other than him. 

“He means The Scarlet Letter.” I tell Penelope, picking the book up from my night stand. 

“Hestia or whatever her name was had to wear the A but the guy she cheated with didn’t, and that’s fucked up. Not feministic at all, right Penny?” He’s looking to her for approval now. I bet she taught him everything he knows about feminism. 

“No, Si, definitely not.” She pushes the box of pastries towards him, and he reaches for one immediately. 

“A lot of classic literature involves some pretty fucked up shit.” I’m sure there’s a better way to say that. 

“Like what?” Simon’s talking with his mouth full again. I hate myself for thinking it’s sort of cute when he does it. 

“The Great Gatsby.” Penny offers, and I nod. 

“Holy shit! Yes! The way Gatsby completely fantasizes about and fixates on Daisy was always so strange to me. I don’t get why so many people say it’s their favorite book.” I roll my eyes, just thinking about the book could give me hives. 

“I know!” Penny agrees. “Don’t even get me started on The Catcher in the Rye, either. Holden is the most unreliable narrator in the history of books.” 

“What’s an unreliable narrator?” Simon chimes in. I don’t think he reads a lot of books, so this all may be flying over his head. 

“A narrator that you can’t trust. You don’t know if they’re lying or not, and it’s frustrating, because you’re supposed to be able to rely on the narrator to tell you what’s right and wrong about a story.” I explain. 

“If someone wrote a book about me I would probably be an unreliable narrator.” Simon says, and I notice a shift in his tone. 

“That’s not true.” Penny catches on too, because she’s quick to reply. 

“It has to be! I thought I knew everything about my life, and the people in it, and then Agatha turns up out of the blue and says she doesn’t love me anymore.” He’s talking, and I think he forgot that he hadn’t told Penelope what happened yet. She doesn’t mention it. “I don’t know what to do now, what to think, what to feel, or anything! Shouldn’t I have been able to catch on to the fact that she stopped loving me months ago?” 

Snow looks helpless, and I want to be able to take him in my arms and tell him everything is going to be okay. But, I can’t do that. Penelope reaches out for his hand and he grabs onto it, so at least he’s receiving comfort, even if it isn’t from me. 

**SIMON**

“Sorry I didn’t tell you yesterday.” I hope Penny can tell I’m being genuine. I usually tell her everything, but I felt so pathetic I could barely speak. 

“Don’t worry about it, Si. We’ll figure out where to go from here, yeah? Remember when Micah broke up with me and you helped me through it? I’m going to help you get through this. It seems like you have another person on your team, too.” She looks over at Baz, and I follow. 

“You don’t have to worry about me.” I tell him. 

“Too late for that.” He replies, and I feel like he means it. 

“Does this mean we’re friends?” I can’t help but smile. If it took seeing me as a complete wreck to finally get Baz to let me be his friend, maybe something good could come of this situation after all. 

“Yes, Snow, we’re friends.” 

**BAZ**

What have I gotten myself into? Agreeing to be friends with Snow is one thing, but letting Penelope drag me into the post breakup fix it session is another. I can’t help it, though, I want to see him happy again. He needs to regain his light. 

I know getting closer to him won’t help the whole loving him situation, but if I’m going to indulge in getting to know him, I may as well make the most of it. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seems like simon doesn't like to have the attention all on him! 
> 
> as always, thank you guys for reading!!


	6. Chapter 6

**SIMON**

Three days in bed is enough, right? I can’t really afford to miss any more classes, and I should go back to work before Ebb gives up and fires me. Shit, I didn’t even call to tell her I wasn’t coming in. I don’t want to get up and go about my life again. I don’t really know how to act now that I don’t have a girlfriend. I guess technically I could start looking for a new girlfriend. 

No. It’s too soon for that. Plus, when I found Agatha, I was looking for someone, and that didn’t turn out so well. If something’s going to happen for me again I want it to be natural. It’s hard to be optimistic and think like that when I feel like I don’t really deserve a new girlfriend. She’ll probably just get tired of me too. 

Whatever. I need to go work my shift at the cafe, and my 4:30am alarm isn’t going to let me forget that. 

I groan as I get out of bed and run a hand through my rather disheveled hair. I should probably take a quick shower before I head out. Yeah. Can’t have the patrons wondering why their barista is greasy. I probably smell. I lift up my arm and do a quick sniff test, and yeah, I definitely need that shower. 

“He rises.” Baz speaks from his side of the room, and it startles me. 

“That he does. Can’t put off going back to work forever.” I reply, offering a smile. I feel bad that nine times out of ten when I’m getting ready in the morning it wakes Baz up. 

“I think it’ll make you feel better. Being busy is a good way to distract the mind.” He’s sitting up in bed now. 

“Yeah, yeah. Probably. Go back to sleep, Baz. I didn’t mean to wake you.” I’m rummaging through my clothes looking for a work shirt while I talk. 

“You wake me every day.” He replies flatly. 

“I’ve been trying to be better about that!” I throw my hands up in surrender and look at him. “Can’t help I’m loud. I’m going to shower.” I turn around and walk in the bathroom, hoping this will force him back to sleep. I don’t want to be a burden. 

The hot water feels amazing, and I wish I could stand under it for an hour. Unfortunately, I’m left feeling unsatisfied after a quick five minute shower since I need to rush out the door. I’m going to be late, I can feel it already, and I don’t even have time to dry my hair before I leave. 

Ebb is waiting for me when I get to the cafe, and I’m fully prepared to launch myself into an explanation of why I’ve been gone, but she stops me. 

“Penny told me you weren’t feeling well. Don’t you dare apologize. I would rather you take care of yourself than show up to work feeling bad!” She reaches out and touches my shoulder, and I melt.

“I should have called, Ebb. I’m sorry! Agatha dumped me and I didn’t know what to do.” I’m looking at my feet, and I feel like I’m going to have to explain my actions to people for however long it takes for me to feel better. 

“No matter, Simon. You’re back now, yeah? Maybe making some coffee will improve your mood.” She smiles.

“Drinking some coffee will improve my mood! Do you have any turnovers?” I’m already searching behind the counter to see if she baked any of my favorites. One perk of working at the cafe is that I can drink and eat as much as I want. 

It’s a relatively quiet morning in the cafe. A few people wander in and out, and I’m happy when my regulars say they missed me over the past few days. My shift goes by in a breeze, and right before I’m about to clock out I hear the bell chime at the door as someone walks in. 

“Baz?” I question. “I never see you here.” 

“I came to check on you, Snow. How was it?” He looks hopeful, almost, and he’s smiling again. 

“You were right when you said keeping busy would distract me. I didn’t think about  _ her _ all morning.” I sneer at a certain word. “Want a drink before I clock out?” 

“Yes, actually. The other day Bunce had some pumpkin thing you made for her, and it smelled good, so I would love to try that.” 

“Pumpkin mocha breve?” I’m already moving to get the supplies. I would have taken Baz for more of a black coffee type of guy. 

“That’s the one!” He’s standing by the counter watching me as I make his drink, eyes following as I pour in all the ingredients all the way to adding whipped cream to the top. 

“Here! On the house.” I can see he’s about to try to pay for it, but I can handle to give out a few free drinks here and there. “Find a table, I’ll clock out then come sit with you.” 

**BAZ**

Maybe being friends with Snow won’t be so hard after all. 

I mean, I walked into the cafe where he works and spoke to him and nothing was weird. He made me a drink and nothing was weird. Now he’s coming to sit and chat with me. Friends sit and chat. As long as I keep this up I’ll be safe. 

The drink tastes fucking fantastic. I could drink six of these every day. Maybe I’ll have to make this part of my daily routine. Snow looks cute in his work uniform, after all, so it wouldn’t be the worst thing to stop in at the end of his shifts. 

I’ve never really been inside the cafe before. The store front looks eccentric, there are plants and vines hanging from the windows and little goat figurines sitting on the window sills. It’s called ‘Ebb’s Place’ so I assume Ebb is either the owner or the inspiration for the decor. The inside looks like what you may think of as being whimsical or the setting for a fantasy novel. It’s really cool. I can see why people love coming here. 

I find a place to sit in what looks like a hollowed out tree while I wait for Snow to come out from the back room. When he does, a smile breaks out on my face again. Now that I’ve started smiling in front of him I can’t seem to stop. This is what I get for holding back for so long. 

“Is it good?” He’s sliding into the booth across from me with his own drink and what looks to be a cherry turnover, like the ones Penelope brought to our dorm a few days ago. 

“I can’t even begin to explain how good it is.” I’m holding my hands around the big mug, letting the warmth seep into my palms. 

“See what you’ve been missing out on by avoiding me for the past year?” He laughs, and I know he’s passing off his words as a joke. 

“I haven’t been avoiding you, I’m just busy.” I lie. I have been avoiding him. 

“Bullshit!” He calls me on it immediately.

“Okay, maybe I have a little bit, but that doesn’t matter now that we’re friends.” 

“Did you avoid me because I’m hard to handle and you didn’t want to be around me?” He asks. 

“What? No, Snow, I don’t think you’re hard to handle at all. I think I’m hard to handle.” Maybe he’ll accept this as an answer. I don’t think now is the best time to drop the L bomb. 

“Are you joking?” 

“No.” I fold my hands and sit them on the table, interested to hear what he’s about to say. 

“Baz, you’re incredibly easy to handle. You’re quiet, and smart, and you mind your own business. I know I’m annoying because of the way you look at me when I talk to you too much, or bother you when you’re studying. I also have a ton of baggage, but we can discuss that later. The point is, I don’t think anyone would say you’re hard to handle.” It’s weird hearing him say nice things about me. 

“I have baggage too, Snow. There’s a lot you don’t know about me. I’m sure if you asked my family they would all tell you I’m extremely hard to handle.” There’s nothing like having all of your family members practically excommunicate you for being gay. I know Daphne and the girls still love me, but my father is the one in charge, so everyone shuts me out. 

“Well, I don’t have any family to ask, so maybe we’re even.” He presses his lips into a line, and my expression softens. I don’t know a lot about his background. 

“You don’t have to tell me about it.” I offer. I really do want to know everything about him, but I won’t press it. 

“Maybe some other time?” He counters, and I nod. “I’ve had too much sadness over the past few days, I guess. We can talk about my history when I’m feeling better.” 

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Snow. I’ll be here to listen whenever you want to talk.” 

**SIMON**

I’m not used to Baz being this thoughtful. He seems genuinely interested in the conversation we’re having, and I like it. I like keeping eye contact with him. I get lost in his eyes for a moment and then snap out of it, only catching the last part of his statement. 

He wants to know about my history, but he’s not going to press it. Good. I don’t like to talk about things that happened in my past, but I guess when you’re in the process of getting close to someone it’s essential for them to know everything about you. 

“Well, I have class. Don’t you?” I ask, and he looks down at his watch. 

“In twenty minutes. Want to walk together?” 

I nod, and then get up and collect our dishes and take them to the back. When I walk back out front, Baz is standing by the door waiting for me. He’s almost as tall as the door frame, and it makes me laugh slightly to myself. I never really notice just how tall he is because we don’t stand next to each other a lot, but he’s tall. Definitely a few inches taller than me. The sun is shining in through the window on his skin, and it looks like it’s glowing. 

Snap out of it, Simon. 

I know I’ve been thinking about Baz being attractive recently, but I’m allowed to find someone attractive without being attracted to them, right? Like, I know Penny is beautiful, but I don’t want to kiss her. 

Whatever. My brain must be doing cartwheels now that I don’t have to focus on Agatha. I don’t think I really want to focus on anyone else, so I wish it would stop wandering. 

“Ready?” He asks me, I nod, and we set off in the direction of our classes. 

__________________________

I’m sitting in my bed with my face in a carton of chinese food when Baz walks in the dorm, and he looks weird, like I’ve never seen him before. He’s wearing gym clothes, and his hair is tied up in a bun. 

“Have you been at the gym?” I gape. 

  
  


**BAZ**

I freeze in the doorway as Snow marvels at me. I usually shower and change back into my regular clothes before coming back to the dorm, but I didn’t feel like it tonight, so now I get to watch as the gorgeous mouth breather I share a room with stares at me. Why is he staring at me? 

“Yes, Snow, I’ve been at the gym. Is that so surprising?” I set my bag down and unpack it, tossing my clothes into the dirty clothes hamper at the end of my bed. It’s getting full, I need to do laundry soon. 

“Didn’t take you for the gym type.” He shrugs, and goes back to eating his food. Whatever he has smells like grease, but at least he’s eating something. 

“I told you I play soccer, right? I have to work out on the off season or I’ll lose my edge.” I smirk at him, then walk closer to his bed. “What are you eating? It smells dreadful.” 

“Orange chicken, weirdo. It’s not dreadful, it’s delicious, thank you very much. Want to try some?” 

I sit down tentatively on the edge of his bed and peer into the container of chicken he’s holding out to me. He seems excited for me to try it, so who am I to deny him?

“I guess I’ll try it.” I scrunch my nose and look at him, and he’s rooting around in the container with his chopsticks, I’m guessing to find me a good piece. 

“Here!” He proclaims, holding out a piece with the chopsticks near my mouth. Is he trying to feed me? I could take this one of two ways. I could either eat the chicken while he’s holding the chopsticks, or I could take the chopsticks from him. I’m overthinking it. What will he think if I just eat it like this?

Fuck it. I’ve had at least one fantasy about Snow feeding me, so I lean over and take the bite of chicken that he’s holding out to me.

“Mediocre, at best.” I tease once I’ve swallowed the full bite. 

“What?! Try it again!” He insists, picking up another bite and holding it out to me. I have to take it. 

I must be dreaming. Simon Snow is hand feeding me bites of food. I’m going to go crazy. He’s affectionate, I already knew that, and I should have known by the way he acts with Penelope that if I let him be my friend he would do stuff like this with me too. 

He probably thinks nothing of it. My heart is starting to beat a little too fast for my liking, so I know I have to escape this situation. 

“I think I’ll let you have the rest, Snow. I shouldn’t be eating all your food when I don’t like it that much.” I scoot away from him, right as he’s trying to give me another bite. 

“Did you eat dinner? I don’t mind sharing.” He’s flashing puppy dog eyes at me, and it’s increasingly hard to say no to him. 

“I ate.” I lie, I didn’t have anything before I went to the gym. 

“Well, at least you ate something. Now go take a shower, you’re getting sweat on my bed.” 

I swat at him with my hand as I stand up off the bed, knowing full well that I’m not getting any sweat on his bed. I thought I was the dramatic one. 

I turn the water in the shower as hot as it will go and let it flow over me, the steam does wonders to soothe my aching muscles after a workout. I stay in the shower until the water goes cold, and I only feel slightly bad for others on our floor who will try and take a shower after me. 

Snow is watching something on his laptop when I emerge from the bathroom, and he has headphones in this time, so I don’t think he hears me. He doesn’t even acknowledge my presence until I sit down on my bed and he senses my movement. 

“Don’t make fun of me for watching another Christmas movie.” He blurts before I even have a chance to say anything. I didn’t even see what he was watching!

“Did I make fun of you last time?” I counter, plopping down on my own bed. I’m wearing a new pair of pajamas, maroon silk, that I ordered online last week. They make me feel luxurious. So what? 

“You kept telling me to turn the volume down.” 

“That’s not making fun of you, that’s just being annoyed that I was trying to study and I couldn’t focus because of the movie yapping.” I say, and he nods. 

“I guess not. Sorry I’m defensive. I watch these things year round, they just make me happy.” He says, and my heart thumps. 

Of course something as simple as a Christmas movie would make him happy. It makes me sad, almost, because I would have never considered that to be something that could cure anyone’s bad mood. 

“What are we watching tonight, then?” I glance over at his screen, and with my lack of knowledge on the subject I can’t tell what movie it is based on what I see. 

“Holiday in Handcuffs.” He replies, turning the screen so I can see what he’s paused it on. I still don’t recognize the film. 

“Sounds kinky.” I chuckle, leaning back against my headboard. 

Snow is blushing now, and I have to remind myself not to stare at him for too long. I wish I could set my eyes on him and not look away. I don’t know what’s so enthralling to me about his bronze curls and blue eyes, but since the moment I met him all I could think about was what it would be like to kiss him. I’m pathetic. 

“Want to watch with me? If you don’t have to study, or something.” He asks.

“Haven’t you already watched a lot of it? I was in the bathroom for a while.” 

“Whatever, the beginning is funny. Plus, I like Melissa Joan Hart.” He’s smiling now. Of course he likes Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

“I’ll watch, but if it gets too unbearable, I’m going to bed.” I start to get up, planning to pull a chair over beside Snow’s bed, but before I can move he’s practically jumping into my bed with me. 

“Shove over, then.” He unplugs the headphones from his computer and tosses them, then sits the laptop down half on my lap and half on his. 

Snow’s body is like a space heater. His thigh and arm are pressed to mine, and I think I might explode. 

“This better be worth it, Snow.” I look over at him and he’s still smiling. His smile could light up the entire city. 

“It will be, I promise!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was fun to write because the story is starting to take a turn into the fun finding love in each other stage.. i really cannot wait to write the scenes that are coming up after this!! simon still needs a bit more time to heal so the next few chapters may have some filler.. but then it's gonna get really good! 
> 
> as usual, thank you so much for reading!!


	7. Chapter 7

**SIMON**

It’s been three weeks since Agatha dumped me. Penny texted me this morning and had the god awful idea that we should go speed dating, and I could make a list of about five things I’d rather do more than that. 

  1. Scrub toilets with a toothbrush. I hate cleaning, but I would rather clean than sit in front of multiple people and give an elevator pitch on why they should date me. 
  2. Write a paper. I hate writing and I’m terrible with words, but this would be better than selling myself to strangers. 
  3. Stuff myself with as much food as possible. This would just be enjoyable on all levels, while speed dating would not. 
  4. Have a movie marathon. Again, enjoyable. I could watch at least two movies in the span of this event Penny is proposing. 
  5. Spend time with Baz. He’s actually really fun to be around. His sarcasm is growing on me. 

I know I won’t be able to get out of going with Penny, but at least I can try. I start by telling her I have a big project coming up that I need to work on. Penny loves projects. Despite this, she insists I could take a break for one evening. Then, I say I have a shift at work. She’s already one step ahead of me on that one, because she checked with Ebb, and I’m off. I’m not sure what excuse to give after that, so I just grumble and reply back to her text that I would think about going. 

I don’t  _ want _ to go.

What am I going to wear? I always make terrible first impressions on people, and I’m sure this will be no different. I’ll stammer over my words and the girls I’m speed dating will laugh in my face and think about how they would never stoop so low as to date someone like me. 

I send Penny another message and ask what I should wear, crossing my fingers it doesn’t have to be some kind of formal wear. I hate dressing up. 

**Penny (10:53 am):** It’s casual, Si! Just be yourself, everyone will love you! 

Just be myself. Yeah, right. 

If it was anyone besides Penny, I would completely shut out this idea. She won’t give up and will physically push me into the lounge if I say no, so I may as well give in to the fact that I’m going speed dating tonight. 

**BAZ**

“Speed dating!” Penelope is sitting across from me in the library. I’m trying to take notes on a chapter of my mythology book, and she’s just been scrolling on her phone for at least twenty minutes. 

“What about it?” I sit down my pen and focus on her, intrigued by what she’s about to propose. 

“It would be perfect, Simon would be able to put himself back out there without too much pressure!” 

Of course she’s thinking about Snow. I really don’t want him to go on speed dates, but it’s not my place to refute the idea. I can’t exactly look at Penelope and say ‘That’s a terrible idea, how am I ever going to get Snow to fall in love with me if you’re setting him up with other people? With girls?’ 

I don’t care if they find out I’m gay. I’m not really in the closet, I just don’t tell people. They can find out on a need to know basis. 

“Did you ask him if he wants to put himself back out there?” I propose, leaning forward in my chair. 

“Well, no.” She huffs and crosses her arms over her chest. “But it’s been three weeks! He should be ready!” 

“You don’t get to make that decision for him.” I will always advocate for Snow now that I’m allowed to. 

“Fine. I’ll ask. But I really think it would be good for him.” She’s typing a text now, I assume to Snow, who is probably still asleep. 

“Like I said, Bunce, not your decision to make. Just wait and see what he says.” I move back to taking notes in my book, knowing Penelope will speak to me again when Snow replies. 

Every few minutes Penelope huffs and furiously types another message. I bet Snow is trying to get out of going with her by giving every excuse in the book. Typical. I stifle a laugh and settle for letting a smirk rest on my face. 

I know Penelope has Simon’s best intentions in mind, but I do worry that she would be forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do. I’m picking up my own phone to type a text before I can stop myself. 

**Me (10:56 am):** You know, Snow, you don’t have to go with Bunce tonight if you’re not ready. 

He replies almost immediately. 

**Snow (10:57 am):** she really wants me to go! i just feel like i won’t know what to say or do or think and everyone will hate me, so what’s the point????? 

**Me (10:58 am):** Even if she really wants you to go, you don’t have to go unless YOU want to go. Do you want to? 

**Snow (10:59 am):** i guess i could go. i like meeting new people. maybe i won’t make a complete fool of myself

**Snow (11:00 am):** what are u doing tonight??? u could go too!!!! mister never been in a relationship, time to put urself out there!

Holy shit. I’m fucked. I can’t say no to him. 

**Me (11:02 am)** : Fine. I’ll go. Now text Bunce saying you’ll be there so she’ll stop tapping her fingers on the table. It’s annoying. 

**Snow (11:03 am)** : ur with her??? when did u two start hanging out?

**Me (11:04 am)** : Three weeks ago. See you tonight, Snow.

I put my phone down and watch Penelope’s face for a reaction, and within a minute she starts to smile. 

“He says he’ll go!” She exclaims. 

“Did he mention I’ll be going too, then?” I roll my eyes, already regretting what I’d said two minutes ago. 

“No, but that’s good! Oh, Basil, what if we all meet someone? Wouldn’t that be great!” 

I can’t tell her that it would be the least great thing to ever happen to me, can I? So I nod and look back to my book, dreading the night approaching. 

**SIMON**

I’m dressed in jeans and a green sweater, and I think I look pretty good. My curls are shining (I snuck some of Baz’s fancy shampoo) and I actually feel pretty optimistic about the night. Even if I don’t meet anyone I have a romantic connection with, I can always make new friends. 

Baz has been in the bathroom for about two hours getting ready. I don’t know what he does in there for so long, but I have to imagine he has an extensive routine with about thirty steps. Whatever he does works for him though, because he always looks immaculate. I’m putting my shoes on when he walks out of the bathroom, and I have to remind myself that it’s rude to stare. 

He looks perfect. God damn it. He always looks perfect. 

What girls will even want to talk to me with Baz in the room? 

He’s wearing his usual black chinos with a maroon button down, and his hair is loose around his face. I’m glad he didn’t slick it back, it looks better like this. 

“Ready to go, then?” He’s looking at me, and I realize I’m still missing a shoe. 

“One second.” I reply, then quickly tie my second shoe before standing up straight. “Ready! Are we meeting Penny there?” 

“I believe that’s the plan.” He holds the door open for me and I walk out, and then we’re walking side by side towards the lounge Penny texted me the address for. 

Penny is waiting for us outside the door of the lounge when we walk up, and she’s all smiles. 

“You guys look great!” She gushes over us, and then she’s ushering us inside. We all get name tags, and then there are little buttons we can choose from to say who we’re interested in talking to. I pick one up that says ‘Interested in Women,’ Penny picks the one that says ‘Interested in Men,’ and then I have to remind myself not to stare again when Baz picks up a button from the same basket as Penny. 

“Basil?” Penny’s expression changes when he picks up the button, and he shrugs. 

“I don’t have to broadcast it, now do I?” He retorts, then moves to pin the button near his name tag. 

I’m staring. I know I am. Baz likes guys. Why do I care so much? I don’t like guys. I’m not homophobic. My roommate is gay. That’s cool. How did I not know before?

My hands are sweating. Perfect. I pin my button near my name tag and then the three of us are moving to the next room where multiple people are already chatting. I don’t see anyone I recognize, which is good. They all look like they’re around our age, which is also good. 

We wait for about five minutes as more people file into the room, and then someone’s at a microphone. 

“Hello everyone! Thank you all for coming. Here at the Posie Lounge we love to host speed dating nights, and we couldn’t do it without all of you! I’m going to let you all find a seat, and then I will set a five minute timer. You’ll notice on the tables we have a list of questions to choose from if you need a topic of conversation! Good luck, everyone!” 

I feel like I’m starting to panic. Penny must be able to see it in my expression, because she’s reaching over and grabbing onto my hand. 

“Remember, Si, just be yourself!” She reassures, and I nod. 

The first few rounds of speed dates go horribly. I meet a girl named Emily who is majoring in law, and everything she says flies right over my head. She seems uninterested in hearing about my major, and I think I barely get more than a sentence in for the entire five minutes. Next came Noelle, an art major, who is so shy that I have to be the one talking for the entire five minutes. I even try to use one of the conversation starters, but it doesn’t work. 

I’m looking around the room to try and find Baz and Penny as we move tables, and they’re not hard to find. Penny is sitting down across from a darker skinned guy with a cool haircut and glasses, and she’s already grabbing the list of questions off the table, probably trying to decide which to ask him. 

Baz is sitting down with a brunet who is about as tall as he is, and I feel a weird pull in my chest that I don’t like. He’s smiling at him, too. They’re smiling at each other. 

Why do I even care? I should be glad Baz looks like he’s having a good time. I want him to be happy with someone. If he likes guys, and he meets one that makes him happy, I’ll be happy for him. 

I can’t focus on the rest of my five minute dates because I keep looking at him. He keeps tucking a piece of hair behind his ear, and I want to do it for him. We’re about to switch partners. Maybe I should go see how he’s doing. 

**BAZ**

I’m saying goodbye to a man named Brandon and I’m prepared to politely introduce myself to someone else, but then a mess of bronze curls practically jumps into the seat in front of me. 

“Snow.” I say, folding my hands on the table. 

“Just wanted to check how it’s going for you. Did you meet anyone?” He asks, words spilling out of his mouth too fast. 

“I’ve met lots of people.” I reply. It’s true, I’ve talked to about six guys now. None of them particularly caught my attention.

“That’s not what I meant. Anyone you like?” 

“They were all nice.” I’m keeping my replies short, I can’t exactly say ‘ _ None were you _ .’

“Anyone you want to go on a date with?” He asks, like he’s interrogating me. 

“No, Snow. None I want to go on a date with.” 

“Oh,” He pauses, nodding, “Me either.”

I think he’s about to get up and try and find another girl to talk to, but then the host is telling us the timer is about to start. 

“Guess you’re stuck with me.” I smirk at him, and I swear he blushes as he sinks back down into the chair. 

We let about a minute go by just looking at each other, and then I snatch the list of questions from the table and scan over them with my eyes. I’m almost positive these are from an article I read called ‘36 questions to make you fall in love.’ Maybe I should ask Snow one and see if it works. He doesn’t look uncomfortable, really, and his eyes meet mine as I look back up at him from the paper. 

“One of these says ‘Alternate sharing something you consider to be a positive characteristic of your partner, go back and forth five times.’ Want to try it?” I ask, and he nods. “Okay. I’ll start. I think you’re the friendliest person I’ve ever met.” 

He smiles at that. Maybe now is a chance for me to tell him some of the things I love about him without him figuring out I love him. 

“You’re really smart.” He tells me, and I smile. 

“You find joy in things I would have never considered to be joyful.” I think about all the times he watches Christmas movies, or smiles at a squirrel on a tree, or eats a mouthful of food. 

“You tried to take care of me when I was at my lowest.” He says, and it seems vulnerable. 

“You always think of other people before yourself.” I say, and I wish this was a quality I possessed. 

“You look perfect every single day.” He says, and I don’t know what to make of it. Is he complimenting me? Does he think I’m attractive? I can’t let my mind go there. I glance at his button that says ‘Interested in Women’ and I remind myself there’s absolutely no way. 

“You make really good coffee.” I smile, thinking of the numerous different drinks I’ve tried over the past few weeks that Snow made for me. 

“I’ve never met anyone with your color of eyes before. They’re nice to look at.” He’s got his chin in his hand and his mouth hangs slightly open after he speaks. Gorgeous mouth breather. 

“Yours are the bluest I’ve ever seen.” I’m looking directly into them and I feel like it may physically hurt me to look away. 

**SIMON**

I want to kiss Baz Pitch. 

I don’t know when or why the feeling started to wash over me. He’s been looking into my eyes so intensely the entire time I’ve been sitting in front of him. 

“One more, Snow.” 

I snap out of my thoughts and start to feel like I’m panicking. Surely I can come up with something else I like about him without blurting that I want to kiss him. 

“You’re a good listener.” I say, calmly, because it’s true. He always listens to me, and I never feel like I’m being forced to tell him anything. 

“Three weeks ago you thought I hated you.” 

“You didn’t exactly make it known that you didn’t.” I huff, thinking about how much frustration I felt when thinking of him. 

“Sorry. I’m trying to make up for it.” He says, and I know it’s genuine. 

“I don’t think I want to talk to anyone else here. Where’s Penny?” I start looking around, and I notice she’s still talking to the same guy from earlier. “They must have hit it off. Will she be mad if we leave her?” 

“Maybe go let her know you’re leaving, and she can decide if she wants to come or stay.” He reasons, and I know he’s right. He’s always right. 

I walk over to Penny quickly and plaster a smile on my face as I interrupt her conversation. I know she hates when I interrupt. 

“Hey, Pen,” I start, then turn towards the boy. “Hi, I’m Simon!” I stick my hand out, and he shakes it. “I think I’m ready to leave. Just wanted to let you know.” 

“Is Baz leaving with you?” She asks. 

“Not sure. Maybe? Anyways, just wanted to check in so you didn’t think I ditched.” 

“That’s okay, Si, I think I’ll stay a while longer! Shep here has some very interesting stories to tell.” She has a glimmer in her eyes, and it makes me happy to see her like this. 

“Text me when you get home, then!” I tell her, smiling, and then turn and walk back to Baz. 

“Okay, guess I’m off, then.” I shove my hands in my pockets and start towards the door, then I realize he’s following me. “You’re not staying?” 

“I’d rather go home with you.” He says, and I melt. How am I going to live knowing I want to kiss him? Why do I even want to kiss him? He met so many guys tonight, there’s no way he’d ever want to kiss me. I’m unremarkable. 

**BAZ**

Simon Snow is the most remarkable person I’ve ever met. 

Maybe I should ask him the rest of the questions on that stupid fucking list. 

It’ll never work. He’ll never see me that way. 

**SIMON**

I feel like I’m seeing him for the first time. 

I sneak glances at him as we walk home, and how have I never noticed him this way before? 

What am I going to do? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was fun to write! i know speed dating is cheesy.. but i thought of the idea and i couldn't get it out of my head. 
> 
> things are heading into being romantic soon and i'm PUMPED!
> 
> as always, thank you for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit shorter than the others, but it's mostly filler. i wanted them to have a conversation about a few things, so here it is!

**BAZ**

If Snow is trying to avoid looking at me, he’s doing a terrible job of it. I keep catching him looking across the room, and when our eyes meet, his cheeks flush and he turns back to whatever he’s doing. 

I can’t quite figure out why he’s acting so strange. I think he’s trying to look at me without getting caught, the blush reveals that much, but why? Why does he feel the need to tear his eyes away? I would gladly look into his eyes for hours at a time if that’s what he wanted. He doesn’t seem to want that, so every time I catch him, I smile and look back at my own work. 

As much as I want to let Snow consume my every thought, it’s midterm week, and I have a laundry list of things to do. I regret signing up for the maximum number of course hours every time midterms or finals roll around, but I’ll love it when I can graduate early. I’ve almost got all my papers written, and I’ve studied for my exam, but part of me feels like there’s something I’m missing. 

I focus on my studying for half an hour before I look up again, and sure enough, Snow is staring right back at me. 

“Want to take a picture? It’ll last longer.” I tease as he tries to look away, but now he knows he’s been caught. 

“What are you working on?” He asks, changing the subject. 

“Studying for my French midterm.” I answer, holding up the textbook so he can see the cover. “It’s tomorrow. I’m prepared, but I want to go over everything again just in case.” 

“I never study.” He sighs, then removes an earbud. He must have been watching a movie. He’s always watching movies. 

“Must be why your grades are abysmal.” 

“Hey!” He sits up straighter. “C’s get degrees, you know.” 

Of course he would use that logic. 

“I also just like to study. I like to learn. Knowledge is power.” I counter. 

“I’ve always thought money was power.” He shrugs. 

“What made you think that?” I question, curious to hear his answer. 

“People with money just seem to have more control than anyone else. They can buy what they want, do what they want, go where they want. It’s just easier.” 

He’s running a hand through his hair. I wish it were mine. The hand or the hair. 

“When I was growing up I never had anything, so I was always jealous of people who had things. I felt like maybe I wouldn’t get picked on so much if I had the money to have things like everyone else, you know?” He pushes his laptop off so he can turn on his side and look at me. 

Is Snow being vulnerable? I don’t know a lot about his past. 

“Having things,” I use his words, “Doesn’t always equal not getting picked on, you know.” I put my book down and turn to look at him. It feels indulgent, looking at Snow and having a conversation with him at the same time. 

“Well, you’re rich, so how did it feel for you?” He asks, not judgmental, just curious. 

“First of all, how do you know I’m rich?” I try to hide my personal life. 

“You wear silk pajamas, use fancy shampoo, don’t have a job, buy all your textbooks new, c-” He stops when I cut him off. 

“Okay, I get it!” I throw my hands up. Maybe I don’t do that good a job at hiding my personal life. 

“My family’s money didn’t stop kids from picking on me. I was the weird gay kid, and the fact that I lived in a mansion didn’t stop the bullies.” I think about all the times people called me names, and it got even worse when people started finding out about my sexuality. “No matter how many  _ things _ I had.”

“I would have protected you.” He says. 

“Protected me?” 

“I used to fight a lot. Other kids would say something mean to me about how I was in foster care or how all my clothes fit me weird, and I would just punch them. Didn’t really grow out of that until I met Penny. Anyways. If they would have said anything to you, I would have protected you.” He explains. 

“I appreciate the sentiment, Snow, but thankfully now we’ll never have to deal with grade school bullies again.” I smile. 

“I’m majoring in elementary education.” He states. How did I not know this about him?

“So you can be a hero for all the little kids?” I say, and his face drops, and I regret my statement. 

“It sounds pathetic when you say it like that. I just want to be able to maybe be a role model for them, you know? So they can know that someone is there for them. No one was ever there for me.” He sighs, and I wish I could go get in his bed and wrap my arms around him. 

He said he was in foster care. I want to know more, but I don’t want to pry. I need to say something to make him feel better because I don’t want him to think his major is a joke. I actually think he’d be a really good teacher. 

“The kids will love you, Snow. You’re the warmest person I’ve ever met. They’d be lucky to know you.” He’s smiling again. Good. 

**SIMON**

I’ve never wanted to tell anyone about my past before. Baz makes me want to tell him everything. It’s like I look at him, and I can’t help but blurt out everything that’s on my mind. 

“My foster parents used to always get so mad at me when I would get in trouble, and they would tell me I would never amount to anything, so I’d like to think I’m proving them wrong.” I laugh slightly, thinking about how difficult it was to even get into this school. Maybe I should care more about my grades, I can’t afford to lose my scholarship. 

“You are proving them wrong. Definitely.” Baz nods. “Do you believe knowledge is power now?” 

“Maybe a little more so than before. I still think money is pretty powerful. Sorry you got picked on.” I apologize, even though he probably wouldn’t want me to. 

“Made me have a thick skin.” He says. 

“Is that why you’ve always been so closed off to me?” I ask. 

“I was hoping you wouldn’t bring that up.” He leans his head back against the headboard, and I’m thankful he doesn’t look away from me. 

“Why? Why were you closed off? I’ve always wanted to know you.”

“I’m not an easy person to get to know.” 

He’s avoiding my question. 

**BAZ**

God damn it, Snow. Why did he have to bring this up? I am not ready to confess my feelings. Not now. What else can I say to change the subject? 

“Did I seem like I would bully you?” He asks, and I shake my head. “Like I would be homophobic, or something?” 

“Not that.” I shake my head again. I never thought he was homophobic, even though he didn’t know about me. He’s always nice to everyone, no matter who they are. 

“What then?” 

_ Make it a friend thing. _ I think to myself for a moment before I respond again. 

“I’ve just never really had friends before. Close friends. I don’t let people in easily, so it was just easier to shut you out. But I wanted to live together again, didn’t I? That was about as vulnerable as I could get.” I say, hoping this is a good enough explanation for him. 

“But we’re friends now?” He asks. 

“Yes, we’re friends now. So I’m going to try to let you in. I don’t know a lot about you either, you know.” I say. 

“You never asked!” He’s smiling again, and I wish every word that came out of my mouth would make him smile like that. 

“What was I supposed to say? Hey, Snow, tell me about your life and all the traumatic things that happened in your past! I didn’t think that would go over so well.” I cock a brow and cross my arms, and he nods. 

“You’re right, I probably would have stormed out of the room. But I don’t mind telling you now. What else do you want to know?” 

This is my chance to ask him anything. I think about what I would most like to know about him. I want to know about Penelope. He said he didn’t stop fighting until he met her, so I want to know about that. 

“How did you meet Bunce?” I ask, and he sighs. 

“I had to be moved to a new foster home halfway through my freshman year, and when I started my new school, Penny decided that we were going to be best friends. She walked up to me, said ‘I’m Penelope Bunce, and I’m your new best friend.’ Who was I to deny her? I didn’t have any other best friends.” He smiles at the memory, and I do too. 

“So she was always bossy?” I ask. 

“Not in a bad way.” He counters, “It was kind of nice having someone tell me what I should do and how I should be acting. She taught me how to calm down when I felt angry, and she helped me through a lot. Her mom is awesome, too, she lets me stay at their house during the summer. Don’t know where I’ll go when I graduate school and I can’t go to the dorm or Penny’s house, but I suppose I’ll figure that out later.” 

I wonder what it would be like not to have a home. My heart breaks in my chest for him. Despite my dad wanting to disown me, I still have a lot of wonderful family members, and I’ve always had a home. He said I could ask him anything, so I continue. 

“Do you know either of your parents?” I ask, and he shakes his head. 

“My mom died giving birth to me, and my dad wasn’t fit to raise a child on his own. I’ve been a warden of the state since I was a toddler. I used to wonder why no one wanted to adopt me, but when I was a teenager I just kind of accepted it. It’s over now, though, so it doesn’t really matter.” He shrugs. 

“I’m sorry, Snow.” I tell him, and I want to reach my hand out to him, but there’s too much space between our beds. 

“You don’t have to say sorry, I’m serious when I say you can ask me anything.” He’s staring right in my eyes. I love his eyes. 

“You can ask me, too.” I say, and I’m not prepared for the first question that comes out of his mouth. 

**SIMON**

“How did you know you’re gay?” I blurt out before my better judgment can stop me. 

I might be wondering if I am, too, because of my intense desire to jump on top of Baz and kiss him until we can’t breathe. 

“It’s not that hard, Snow.” He huffs, and I furrow my brow. 

“Well, I want to know. How?” I ask. He just told me to ask whatever I wanted, and now he’s being a dick about answering my question. 

“How did you know you were straight?” 

_ I might not be straight _ , I want to say, but I don’t. 

“Well, I think girls are pretty. Agatha liked me so I asked her to be my girlfriend. I haven’t really thought about it much more than that.” 

**BAZ**

Of course he hasn’t thought about it more than that. I don’t even want to think about how much more I’ve considered, especially about him. 

“It’s kind of the same. I can appreciate the fact that girls are pretty, but I’m not attracted to them. I never look at a girl and think I might die if I don’t kiss her.”  _ I might die if I don’t kiss you, Snow. _

“You think that about guys?” He asks.

“Not all of them.” Just one, at the moment. “You only asked Agatha to be your girlfriend because she liked you?” It registers with me what he said. 

“Well, yeah. She liked me, and no one had ever liked me before, so I asked.” 

“Did you like her?” I propose. 

“I loved her. I think. I liked being around her. She made me mad a lot because she would ignore me and never tell me why. She said I was hard to handle sometimes. It made me angry, but I would just do what Penny told me to avoid getting angry. Now that I think about it, I probably wanted to break up with her just as much as she wanted to break up with me. I just wish she wouldn’t have waited so long to do it.” He explains. 

“That’s reasonable. You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re settling, and you should be with someone because they like you  _ and _ you like them back.”

“You have a lot of relationship advice to hand out for someone who has never been in one himself.” He smirks. 

“Doesn’t mean I’ve never had feelings for anyone, Snow. I just know my worth. I’m not going to try and be with someone I have feelings for until I know they have feelings for me too. The heartache isn’t worth it.” 

“How will you know if they have feelings for you too?” He asks. 

“I’ll just know.” I say, and I so desperately want to believe that. 

**SIMON**

He’ll just know. 

He’ll just know if someone has feelings for him too. 

I wish I could read minds. This would be so much easier if I could think  _ Do you want me to kiss you? _ And get an answer back from him without actually having to say the words out loud. 

“I guess I should let you get back to studying.” I say, moving to put my laptop back on my lap. The movie isn’t going to finish itself! 

“I can be done. What are you watching?” He asks, and he’s actually getting out of his bed to come and sit on mine. I shove over. 

“Love, Actually.” I point to the screen where Hugh Grant is smiling. “Do you think he’s attractive?” 

“You can’t just start asking me if I think every guy is attractive.” He rolls his eyes at me, and I blush. 

“Fine, I won’t. He is, though.” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “Should I restart it?” 

“If you don’t mind. I didn’t know being your friend would involve watching every Christmas movie I’ve never wanted to watch.” 

“Well, it does.” I offer him some of my blanket, and he takes it. Our arms are touching, and Baz is cold. Every time I’ve touched him, he’s been cold. 

**BAZ**

At some point during the movie Snow put his head on my shoulder, and I’m still. I don’t want to move because he might think he’s not allowed to put his head on my shoulder, and he is. His cheek is radiating heat into my shoulder, and it feels nice. 

I lean my head on top of his tentatively. Snow is affectionate with his friends, right? 

**SIMON**

He didn’t make me move my head. He’s leaning his head back on to mine. 

I’m fucked. I’m really and truly fucked. 

What am I going to do? 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter ending with simon not knowing what the hell to do.. we love to see it!!
> 
> thank you guys so much for reading! i love seeing all of your comments, it makes my day!
> 
> next chapter soon!


	9. Chapter 9

**BAZ**

I’m glad we have a week off from school after midterms, because I need it. Whenever we have big projects due for class I always put all my energy into them, and then have none leftover. I’ll need a day to recharge. I’m supposed to go visit my family this weekend, so that will be a good time to do it. I’ll say hello to everyone, and then go to my room for the rest of my time there. 

Sounds like a perfect plan to me. The worst part will be missing Snow. 

He didn’t seem stressed at all this week. He kept getting up for his early shifts at the cafe, and when I couldn’t visit him he was bringing drinks for Penelope and me to the library. It’s been nice having someone to study with. Penelope is quite challenging, and she’s great at having discussions, which I enjoy. 

I know Snow’s been trying to stay out of my way while I’ve been studying this week, but he keeps checking in on me to make sure I’ve had enough to eat and drink. I never knew quite how caring he could be, but that was only because I never let him care about me. 

“Good luck!” He pipes up from his bed and it makes me smile. There’s maybe one day a week when I’m the one leaving the room first. “This is your last test, right?” He asks. 

“That would be correct.” I have a set of flashcards in my hand for some last minute review before the exam starts. 

“Good! I know you’ve been stressed. I would say we could celebrate tonight but I have to work.” 

“I would say we could do it this weekend but I have to go make my monthly visit home.” I pout slightly, trying to keep my composure.

“Guess the celebration will have to wait until next week, then.” He lays back down and pulls the covers up, and he looks cozy. 

“I’ll come to Ebb’s after my exam and let you know how it went.” I say as I put on my jacket, then give Snow a final glance before walking out the door. 

Being his friend is easier than I thought, as long as I don’t think about the fact that I’m in love with him. I’m sure he’s making me fall more in love with him by the day, but he’s never going to love me back, so not thinking about it is by far the best thing to do. 

I know Fiona would tell me to grow a pair and tell him. She’d call me a little bitch and exclaim that it’s possible he could feel the same way. I know he couldn’t. It’s completely unreasonable to think that the literal sun, Simon Snow, could ever feel that way about me. He’d be better suited with someone more optimistic and outgoing, like him. 

My French exam is oral, and I know I’ll do well, because I’ve been taking French since I was a child. I wouldn’t say I’m fluent, but I know I’m close. Advanced French is difficult, but who would I be if I wasn’t taking the most difficult classes possible? 

Everyone outside the professor’s office looks nervous, and I know the majority would rather be taking a test on paper than going in for a face to face. I don’t mind. I have about ten minutes to sit and study before my name is called. 

“Bonjour, Madame.” I say smoothly, settling down into a chair across from my professor. She smiles at me, and then we start the exam. It seems to go well, and I’m excited to go see Snow at the cafe and tell him about it. 

**SIMON**

I’m lucky that I finished my exams early in the week, because now I can relax before work since my professors cancelled class until after the break. I wake up while Baz is moving around the room getting ready for his last exam, but I stay quiet so I can watch him without getting caught. 

Shit. That sounds creepy. I don’t mean it in a creepy or weird way, I’m simply just admiring him. He looks elegant today, in navy blue chinos and a dark floral patterned shirt. His hair is up in a bun, too, which I didn’t know I liked before right now. He must have woken up too late to complete his usual two hour morning routine. 

I wish him luck as he’s rushing out the door, and he smiles at me. I still can’t get over that smile. I want him to smile at me constantly, so I can see it enough to make up for the entire year that I didn’t see it at all. 

After a while I get up and take a lazy shower. Thoughts of Baz creep into my head and there’s a growing situation between my legs. I take care of that (don’t judge me!) and then throw on my work uniform. I sneak a bit of Baz’s fancy hair product and run it through my curls. It smells fantastic, and hopefully he won’t notice, or won’t care, that I used it. 

Ebb’s is busy when I walk in, and the morning barista today, Trixie, looks relieved to see me. 

“Bit of a rush today?” I joke while I clock in and put on my apron. 

“Shocked me, didn’t you say mornings are usually calm?” She asks. We switched shifts today because she has a date this evening. 

“Usually are! Maybe everyone just needed a bit of a boost today. Last day of exams, after all.” I shrug. 

“That’s reasonable. Thanks again for swapping with me! Tonight was the only time Keris had free so we wanted to make sure we got to go out.” 

“No big deal! S’not like I have anything better to do.” I laugh, and she does too, and then she’s taking off her apron and heading out. 

Ebb is in the back making food and ensuring that the freshly baked cookies never run out, so I stick my head in the kitchen and say hello quickly to let her know I’m here before I start manning the counter. All the cherry turnovers are gone. Damn morning customers eating all of them. They’re the best, though, so I can see why. 

The afternoon rush passes and I settle into a slower pace through the evening. Not many people want coffee at the end of a long day, which I can understand. A few customers wander in and out, and I’m pleased when I look up and see Penny with the guy from speed dating coming through the door. 

“Hey, Si!” She exclaims, and practically drags the guy (Shep?) towards me. “I want Shep to try one of your drinks.” 

“She’s been raving about them.” He says, and looks at Penny with a fondness that makes my heart swell. 

“I can definitely make you something delicious. Your usual, Pen?” I question, already grabbing two coffee cups from the cabinet. 

“Sounds good!” She smiles. 

“Great, find a seat and I’ll bring them to you.” I give her a look that says ‘I promise I won’t spy on you!’ 

I make a pumpkin mocha breve for Penny and then a drink I hope will taste like a snickerdoodle cookie for Shep. When I carry the drinks over to them, they’re so lost in conversation they barely notice me. 

It makes me happy to see Penny happy. She was unhappy for a long time after her breakup with Micah, and she deserves someone to make her feel good again. I’ll have to get to know this guy a little better to make sure he’s good for her, but for now, I’ll let them be alone. 

The two spend a while in the cafe before heading out. I give them a wave as I’m cleaning up the counter space, because we’re about to close in a few minutes and I’d like to go home as soon as possible. I’m almost angry when I hear the door swing open again until I look up and see Baz walking towards me. 

“I was going to come earlier, but I figured I’d wait until close so I could walk you home.” He says, leaning onto the pastry case and smiling at me. 

“Lucky for you I’ve almost got the whole front cleaned up, so we can head out soon. Want something to go?” I ask. I try not to think about how nice it is that he showed up late so he could walk me home. It seems like a gesture that’s more than friendly, but I still don’t really know how Baz treats his friends. We’re new at all of this. 

“I know you make good coffee, but what about cocoa?” He asks, a smirk settling onto his lips. 

“I’ll make the best cocoa you’ve ever tasted, mark my words!” 

**BAZ**

Simon is pulling out supplies for cocoa at lightning speed. I can’t help but keep my eyes on him as he makes quick movements back and forth along the counter, moving from one ingredient to another. I can see a few unusual ingredients being used, but I’m not going to question it. Everything he’s ever made for me has been delicious. 

“Whipped cream?” He asks, holding up the canister. 

“Please!” I reply. Who denies whipped cream? 

Within minutes he’s prepared two to go cups full of cocoa, and they smell delectable. 

“I need to clean up again.” He presses his lips into a line and huffs. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to make extra work for you.” I know I’m pouting. 

“No big deal.” He flashes a smile at me, and I believe him. 

It only takes him a moment to clean up and then he’s untying his apron and we’re headed home. I wait til we’ve walked out the door to take a sip of my cocoa, and he wasn’t wrong, this is the best cocoa I’ve ever tasted. 

“I might start asking you to make this for me instead of the pumpkin mocha!” I exclaim, quickly taking another sip. “How did you learn to make drinks like this?” 

“I used to try and make all drinks by the books, by recipes, but one day I decided to switch it up. Ebb tried what I made and declared I could just make drinks however I wanted from then on. The customers seem to like them, and I’m lucky that they’re adventurous and will just let me make them something I think they’ll like.” He shrugs. 

“I would have never let someone make me a drink without knowing what was in it before you made one for me. I don’t know if I would let anyone else, either.” I say, and I mean it. 

**SIMON**

Baz looks beautiful. Is that an okay word to use to describe a man? I don’t care. He’s beautiful. I keep looking over at him on our walk home and the street lights are hitting him in the most perfect way. His jaw is sharp and his cheekbones are high. His jet black hair is falling in a wave, and it’s longer than usual, reaching his shoulder. He was wearing it in a bun this morning. I hope he doesn’t cut it. 

“I’ll make as many drinks for you as you want.” I think I would do anything for him. 

“Three a day?” He questions. 

“Ten a day!” I reply. 

“You can’t let me take advantage of you like that, Snow.” 

I would let him take advantage of me in a lot of ways. 

“Whenever you want one, then. Deal?” I ask.

“Deal.” 

The rest of the walk home is silent. The city is oddly quiet for a Friday night, but it’s nice. My arms brushes against Baz’s more than once and I wonder what he would do if I reached out and held his hand. I shouldn’t push the limit, so I don’t. Maybe I will soon. 

I’ve been trying to figure out what his type is. He’s not very wordy when it comes to answering personal questions. I just want to know if he thinks I’m good looking. Maybe doesn’t like freckles or gingers. That’d be understandable, a lot of people don’t. 

“Want to watch a movie tonight?” I speak again as we’re climbing the stairs of our building. 

“Another Christmas one?” He rolls his eyes, but I know he isn’t mad.

“We have to make sure you’ve seen  _ all _ the good Christmas content!” I turn the key in our lock and walk into the room, kicking off my shoes as I go. My side of the room is usually pretty messy. It doesn’t bother me. 

Baz takes off his shoes as he enters the room as well, but he picks them up and places them on a rack by the door with his other shoes. His side of the room is immaculate. 

“Pick a movie, I’m going to change.” He states, then reaches into his wardrobe for what I know is going to be a pair of fancy pajamas. I still don’t understand why he wears them. Sweats and a hoodie are just as comfortable. 

While he changes in the bathroom, I quickly slip into an old t-shirt and pajama bottoms. Then, I open my laptop and scroll through my list of movies I made that I wanted to watch until I find one I think Baz might like. Slightly melancholy, but still with a happy ending. It’ll be perfect. 

“A Christmas Carol?” Baz speaks, and I realize he’s been staring over my shoulder. “You had to pick the one movie I’ve already seen!” 

“You have?” I look back at him, jaw hanging open. 

“Yes, Snow, I think everyone has seen A Christmas Carol. Pick something else.” He demands. 

“You pick!” I say, and then reposition in my bed so I’m shoved up against the wall, plenty of room for him to crawl in beside me. 

“Fine. Let me see the list.” He sits down and leans against the headboard, then crosses one leg over the other. Fuck me. He looks elegant even in his pajamas. 

Baz ponders over the list for a while before settling on a movie. 

“Christmas with the Kranks?” I give him a look, and he shrugs. 

“I’ve never seen it. Maybe it’s funny?” 

“Didn’t take you for the type to like comedies.” 

“Why wouldn’t I like comedies?” He seems offended. 

“Fuck, Baz, I don’t know! Turn on the movie.” I’m the one rolling my eyes now, and I reach down to pull the blanket up over us as he clicks play on the screen. 

I lean my head on Baz’s shoulder again at some point during the movie. I’m trying to focus on watching it, but all I can think about is how close I am to him. Is this what it’s like to really have a crush on someone? A crush sounds so stupid, but I know it’s what I have. Penny would say I was obsessed with him if she knew how much I was thinking about this. 

Baz laughs at something that’s happening on screen, and it startles me, so I’m lifting my head up off his shoulder to look at him. 

“You didn’t have to move.” He states with a tone so gentle it almost catches me off guard. Did he like that I was laying my head on his shoulder? 

“You laughed!” I say dumbly, like it’s something he’s never done before. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard it before. 

“I’m allowed to think something is funny, Snow.” 

“I know, I just, you should laugh more.” I say, and decide I don’t want to explain further, so I lay my head back down on his shoulder. 

**BAZ**

This all feels very intimate. 

I think Snow knows that I liked it when he leaned his head on my shoulder. Do I care that he knows? Not really. I’m indulging. I’m about to go home and won’t even get to look at him for two days. I deserve this. 

The movie is better than I expected. It’s funny, I find myself laughing multiple times throughout. Snow seemed to think it was strange the first time I laughed, but it was cute seeing him get confused at another display of my emotions. 

He doesn’t talk during movies, which I’m glad, because I like paying attention to the plot. When the end credits start playing, I speak again. 

“Are you asleep?” I ask quietly, unsure of whether he’s awake because he hasn’t moved in a while. 

“No.” He replies, “Just don’t want to move.” 

“Couldn’t be the most comfortable way to sleep.” I say, and I know my heartbeat intensifies. I hope he can’t tell. 

“It’s not bad.” He says, and I can’t decide if I want to just let him stay resting on my shoulder or if I want to mess this all up. 

“What if we wake up and our necks are sore?” I ask quietly, sliding the laptop off my lap and onto the bedside table. 

“Then we’ll have sore necks.” He says, and I think I might die, because he’s snuggling in closer to me. 

“What if our backs are sore?” 

“Then we’ll have sore backs.” His voice is heavy with sleep, and I know I’m not escaping from this now. 

“You’re really comfortable like this?” I shift so he’s forced to move, and when he looks up at me the look in his eyes says it all. 

He wants this. 

He wants to be close to me. 

I was just telling him about how if someone had feelings for me, I would know. 

I don’t know what it is that tells me ‘ _ Simon wants this _ .’ But the voice in my head keeps saying it over and over and I know I can’t do anything to mess this up. If that means staying in a tiny bed with him and letting him sleep on my shoulder all night long, that’s what I’ll do. 

“I’m comfortable. You can go back to your bed if you really want, it-” I cut him off. 

“I’m comfortable too.” I blurt out, then move a bit to settle down in a position that won’t leave my back hurting quite as bad in the morning. “Lay back down, Snow.” 

He smiles as he puts his head back on my shoulder, and we eventually fall asleep. I never dreamed I’d be sharing a bed with Simon Snow. 

________________

Snow is still fast asleep when the alarm rings on my phone, signaling that I need to get up so I can make it to the train station on time. I try and get out of the bed without letting Snow just fall off my shoulder onto the mattress, and it proves difficult. I’m sure he’s woken up but then he just grabs a pillow and holds it, and I know he’s still asleep. 

He could sleep through anything. 

I move about the room and get ready quickly. I slept in my contacts last night against my better judgment so it’s going to be glasses for me today. My eyes need a break. I dress in jeans and a sweater and there’s no need to pack extra clothing, I’m sure I can round up something to wear at home. 

I’ve never done this before, but I write out a quick note to Snow and leave it next to his cell phone so he’ll see it when he wakes up. I don’t know why I feel the need to leave a note. We slept together, but we didn’t  _ sleep _ together, so it’s not like I’m running out on him. I just need to remind him I’m going home for the weekend. 

The streets are packed as I push my way through to the train station. I feel a sense of deja-vu as I climb on board, because the same blonde girl from last time is perched in a window seat. 

“Is this going to become a monthly occurrence?” I sit in the seat beside her and she looks up at me, a smile pulling across her face. 

“I suppose so!” She exclaims, and her mood seems to be much better than the last time our paths crossed. 

“I realized last time I never got your name. I’m Baz.” I say, holding out my hand for her to shake, even though we’ve met before. 

“Nice to meet you, Baz, I’m Agatha.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't intending on this being such an incredibly slow burn.. but that's how it's turned out hasn't it? i promise there will be some kissing SOON!
> 
> as always, thank you for reading! leave me some comments and let me know your thoughts!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i may have popped off.. this is the longest chapter yet!

**BAZ**

Agatha. There can’t be that many Agathas in New York City. I don’t want to automatically assume she’s the Agatha who broke Snow’s heart, but she was talking to me about breaking up with her boyfriend, and then the next day he got broken up with. 

Holy shit. It has to be her. 

I unknowingly encouraged her to break up with Snow. 

I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I want it to be a good thing, I desperately need it to be a good thing. She looks happier, and if she truly didn’t love him anymore, I’m glad that she ended it. He didn’t need to be with someone who didn’t love him. He finally seems like he’s not sad anymore, and that’s a fantastic thing. 

Last night. The way he looked at me. Like he wanted me to stay in his bed, he wanted to lean on me and fall asleep. I don’t know if I can handle the thought of that not being a friend thing. 

“Did you break up with him, then?” I ask, deciding to be nonchalant. I like to pick fights, but not now. 

“I did, and I feel like a weight is gone from my shoulders. He was always so intense. Now I can relax.” 

I clench my fists at the thought of Snow being too intense for anyone to handle. His intensity is one of the things I love about him. He’s so passionate about everything, which I’m finding out more and more with the amount of time I spend with him. 

“Good, then. Relaxing is good.” I say, folding my hands in my lap. 

“It’s just draining, you know? To be with someone who needs that much attention. That much validation.” She persists. 

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” I sneer. I would give Snow as much attention and validation as he wanted, whenever he wanted. 

“I know, just, I’m kind of friendless at the moment and it’s nice to vent.” She gives me a pleading look, but I’m not breaking on this one. Maybe if her name were anything other than Agatha. 

“Well, I’m tired. We’ve got a ride ahead of us.” I shove earbuds in my ears and close my eyes, deciding I’m finished with that conversation. 

**SIMON**

_ Snow,  _

_ Headed home for the weekend. Be back Sunday evening.  _

  
  


_ Baz _

I read the note a few times and then flick it back onto my bedside table. The bed was cold when I woke up, and I had my arms around a pillow instead of Baz’s waist (I know they were there before because I woke up in the middle of the night and put them there). He should have woken me up to say goodbye, but I guess he wanted to let me sleep. I have the day off on Saturdays, so I’m always sleeping in. 

Maybe I should talk to Penny about these new feelings I’ve been having for Baz. She’ll surely know what to do. It might shock her, but she can get over it. I haven’t had a real conversation with her since she started spending every waking moment with Shepard. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her, but I need my best friend. Just for a little while. 

**Me** (11:47 am): can u spare some time for me today or are u too busy with shepard??? :P 

**Penny** (11:48 am): Do you feel like I’ve been ignoring you? Oh, Simon, I’m so sorry! Yes I can spend time with you today! What do you want to do? 

**Me** (11:49 am): don’t be dramatic, pen, i dont think uve been ignoring me

**Me** (11:49 am): wanna grab lunch? need advice 

**Penny** (11:50 am): Absolutely! Dining hall? Twenty? 

**Me** (11:51 am): see u there

Okay, that’s sorted. Penny will know what to do. What I should do, rather. She’s been spending a lot of time with Baz lately, so maybe she knows what he’s thinking. 

I dress quickly, throwing on a sweatshirt and an old pair of jeans that are on my clean clothes pile. I should really start trying to get organized, but I don’t have the energy. No one cares what I wear, anyways. There’s not many people in the dining hall when I make it down. On weekends, most people go out for brunch or lunch, but I have a meal plan, so Penny knows I don’t want to waste that. Plus, it’s Saturday, so that means an endless supply of pastries on the buffet. 

I’ve got a full plate by the time Penny walks into the hall. I should have waited for her, but I was hungry. She notices and just shakes her head, then smiles at me before heading to get her own food. I’m almost ready for seconds by the time she sits down, so I remind myself to slow down.  _ It’s unattractive to eat so fast, Simon.  _ Agatha’s voice rings in my head. I shake it off. 

“What’s going on, then?” Penny plops down in the chair in front of me, and she’s getting right to the point. 

“You really don’t beat around the bush!” I exclaim, then shove my mouth full with pastry again. 

“You said you needed advice, and I’m here to give it to you. Tell me what’s on your mind.” She starts to eat now, so I know it’s my turn to speak. 

“I think I have feelings for Baz.” 

**PENELOPE**

Out of all the things Simon could have said to me, for some reason, this one doesn’t surprise me all that much. The way he and Baz have been acting towards each other over the past week has been, to put it lightly, domestic. I know Simon is affectionate towards his friends, but this seemed different. Especially after the speed dating night when they left together. 

“Penny!” He speaks again, and his eyes are wide. 

“Sorry, I was just thinking!” I reply, then press my lips into a line. “How long have you been thinking about this?” 

“Since I was jealous when he was talking to other guys at that thing we went to.” He huffs. 

“Well, at least you realize it was jealousy.” 

“Shut up, what should I do?” He asks, a pleading look in his eyes. 

“Well, has he given any indication that he feels the same?” He definitely has. I can see the look in his eye when Simon brings Baz coffee to the library, or how he lights up a little bit at the mention of his name. But, Simon, bless him, is not as perceptive to these obvious things as I am. 

“I can’t tell. He let me sleep leaning on his shoulder last night. Last week he let me feed him bites of food.” 

“Simon!” I throw my hands up and lean back in my chair. 

“What if it’s just a friend thing! I don’t know how he treats his friends!” 

“Does Baz even have friends?” I question, then reconsider. “That’s not the point. You need to flirt with him and see how he reacts.” 

“I don’t exactly know how to flirt with guys, Penny.” 

He’s giving me his puppy dog eyes. What would he do without me? 

“Just,” I pause for a moment, considering a good strategy. “Baz is smart. Reserved. He cares about his appearance. Maybe you could start by telling him he looks nice? Or asking about a book he’s reading? See if that gets any kind of reaction from him.” 

“I would run back to our room right now and shout that he looks nice because I have zero impulse control,” He says, then stops. “Actually I think my impulse control is pretty good, I’ve wanted to kiss Baz for a week and I haven’t done it!” 

“Impressive!” I smile at him, and he smiles back. 

“Anyways, he’s out of town this weekend. He won’t be back until tomorrow night. I would text him but I don’t want to bother him.” 

“I’d say text him anyways. If he’s bothered he can just put his phone down.” I shrug. 

“I bothered Agatha so much she dumped me.” His face drops. 

I haven’t spoken to Agatha since she did that to Simon. She was both of our friend, but I’d choose Simon over anyone, so I’m mad at her. If I would have known she fell out of love with him I would have encouraged her to break it off months ago. Simon still would have hurt, but not as much, I don’t think. It’s nice seeing him nervous about someone. I hope Basil likes him too. It’s what Simon deserves. 

“Fuck her, yeah?” I say, and I think it shocks him. “Fuck what she thought. She doesn’t dictate anything about your life anymore. You want to talk to Baz? You have feelings for him? You should tell him. He’s lucky to have someone like you crushing on him. I don’t personally know what you see in him, but I support you no matter what.” 

“I don’t know what I would do without you, Pen.” He sighs, and rakes a hand through his hair. 

“I don’t know either.” 

**SIMON**

Penny’s right. I just need to muster up the courage and start shamelessly flirting with Baz. What could go wrong? If he rejects me I’ll just brush it off as being friendly. But, it could go very right and I could end up kissing him and running my hands through his hair and climbing on top of him and- 

I’m getting ahead of myself. 

First I just need to tell him I think he looks nice. Or ask about a book he’s been reading. But he’s not here, so I don’t know if he looks nice (who am I kidding, he always looks nice) or which book he’s reading. Maybe I can text and ask about his family. He mentioned they don’t have the best relationship. I should check in and see how it’s going. 

“Enough talking about me,” I decide to change the subject, because I’m also interested in Penny’s love life. “How are things going for you? With Shep?” 

I notice her demeanor changes at my question. She softens, and seems to melt as a smile crosses her features. I can’t help but smile too. 

“He’s wonderful, Si. I wasn’t actually expecting to meet anyone at that stupid speed dating thing, but we hit it off. He’s studying folklore and mythological creatures which is just fascinating, don’t you think? He’s funny and genuine. What more could I want?” She practically gushes. 

“You all but ignored me the other day at Ebb’s, so I figured things were going well.” I wink, my statement only meant to tease her. 

“We’re going on our first official non coffee date tomorrow night.” She beams. 

“Non coffee date?” Baz and I have gotten coffee together a lot of times now. Or, rather, he’s come to see me at work and I’ve given him coffee. 

“Coffee dates are nice, but they’re like a stepping stone. You have to branch out from the coffee dates.” 

“Is that an everyone thing or a Penny thing?” I ask. 

She smiles. “I suppose it could be a Penny thing, but it is nice to do something different once in a while.” 

Maybe Baz would want to go out on a date. I could ask him to hang out without calling it a date, but if I’m going to say fuck it and be bold I may as well just ask if he wants to go on a date with me. I’ll do it tomorrow night, when he comes back. That’s the plan. For now. 

“Thanks for having lunch with me. I feel better about the whole Baz thing.” I cleaned my plate, and I could go back for thirds, but I decide that I’ve probably had enough. 

“Don’t let it get to you so much, Si. If you have feelings for him, tell him. He could feel the same. If he doesn’t, at least it’s out in the open and you can move on from that.” 

She makes it sound so easy. Could I move on from it? If I say something to him and he doesn’t feel the same? I guess I won’t really know until it happens. 

I say bye to Penny and then head back to the dorm. The weather is nice out today, so I think I’ll go for a walk in the park. I could spend forever in Central Park exploring all the different paths and looking at everything. I see Baz’s note again while I’m changing into some more presentable clothes, and decide to shoot him a text. 

**Me** (1:03 pm): saw ur note this morning. how’s it going w the fam?

**Me** (1:03 pm): i’m abt to go walk in the park, will update if i see anything weird

**Baz** (1:05 pm): So far so good with my family. Everyone is preoccupied. Mordelia is insisting that I go outside and make a potion with her, whatever the hell that means.

**Me** (1:06 pm): pennys little sisters do that! shes gonna make u collect leaves and put them in a bowl or something, itll be fine

**Me** (1:06 pm): ur sisters name is mordelia? 

**Baz** (1:07 pm): What did you expect my sister’s name to be when my name is Tyrannus Basilton?

**Me** (1:08 pm): touche. go have fun with ur sister and ill see u tomorrow!

**Baz** (1:08 pm): Bye, Snow. Enjoy your walk. 

The thought of Baz walking around outside his family home with his sister picking flowers is very heartwarming. I wish I was there too. Maybe he’ll take me with him next time he goes home for the weekend. I think he would, especially if things go well when I confess my feelings tomorrow night. 

**BAZ**

Mordelia is grabbing me by the sleeve as I type my last text to Snow. 

“Come on!” She whines, dragging out the last word. 

“Hold on a second, Mordy!” I hit send on the text and then sit my phone down and sneer at her. “Happy?” 

“You can text your boyfriend later, Baz, right now we need to make a healing potion!” 

“First of all, he’s not my boyfriend. Second, what are we trying to heal?” I still don’t understand the whole potion thing, but Snow seems to think it’s common for children to make them. Mordelia probably heard about it from other girls at school, because Daphne and Malcolm certainly wouldn’t encourage playing with dirt and leaves in the yard. 

“Don’t care if he isn’t your boyfriend, you’ve been waiting for him to text you all day so I’m going to say he is.” 

How does she know I’ve been waiting? A blush creeps onto my cheeks as I realize I’ve probably been checking my phone non stop to see if there are any messages. 

“You still didn’t answer my second question.” I cross my arms and look down at her. 

“Does it matter? Someone will need to be healed at some point. Now come on!” 

She’s tugging my sleeve again and pulling me towards the door, and I barely have time to reach and throw my hair up in a bun before she’s grabbing all the supplies she compiled and handing them to me. 

“I can only carry so many things!” I begin to complain as she adds a fourth bowl to the three already stacked in my arms. She then begins piling things inside the bowl. “Why do we need dish soap? Shampoo?” 

“Potions, Basil.” 

She says it like I’m supposed to have any God given idea what she’s talking about. 

Over the course of two hours, I certainly learn what Mordelia means by potions. The bowls she had me bring outside are full of water and leaves of various colors, as well as differing amounts of soap and perfume and whatever else it was she was adding in. Although the activity was not up my alley, it was nice to spend some time with my sister. She’s the only one besides Fiona who even acknowledges the fact that I like boys. I know Daphne doesn’t care, but she won’t say anything in front of Father. 

Going back inside for dinner is what I’m dreading. Everyone has been sticking to themselves all day, but dinner is the time when everyone will gather around the table and the regular dinner conversation will turn into a Baz interrogation. 

I’m thankful we’re having dinner on Saturday instead of Sunday, because although I do love wearing a suit (Sundays are formal dinners) I don’t quite feel like wearing one tonight. I’ll stick to my sweater and jeans, which is about as casual as I ever dress. 

It smells delicious in the dining room when I walk in, and the thought of a nice meal puts me at ease. There’s nothing my father can say to me that will hurt me, not anymore. I’m used to all of it. I push back at his questions, he gets angry and storms off. Same old. 

“How were your exams, Basilton?” Father asks once everyone has settled down at the table. 

“They went well, I think. I’ll find out the grades next week.” I keep my expression neutral. He doesn’t deserve to see a smile from me. 

“We know that you’ll earn high marks! Always so smart.” Daphne interjects, and I smile at her. She deserves it. 

Mordelia kicks me under the table. That’s what I get for sitting next to an eight year old. I know she’s only doing it to provoke me, but I’m not going to be the one to cause chaos at the dinner table from messing about when I already cause it just by existing.

The conversation at the table takes a turn away from me and I’m shocked because Father hasn’t asked my least favorite question, and he never misses an opportunity for that one. 

“So, Basilton, any news on you finding a girlfriend?” Ah, there it is. 

“Nope! You know there never will be. I’m never going to have a girlfriend.” He’s asked me that question at least once every family dinner since I came out to him when I was fifteen. It’s infuriating. I suppose not being kicked out was a good thing, but having part of me erased is exhausting. 

“You will, someday. Someone has to carry on the family name.” 

“You act like gay people can’t have children.” I say, and the tension in the room rises. “Plus, you have another son, right there,” I point to the baby in his high chair, “Who can continue on the family name just fine if you’re so dissatisfied with me.” I shrug now, and I can tell it angers him. 

Just like that, he stands up, and walks out of the room. 

“He’s still adjusting.” Daphne tries to soothe the situation, but I can’t have it. 

“He’s had almost six years to adjust.” I look at her, and she sighs. She knows I’m right. I didn’t even get to throw in my jab about how I choose to go by Pitch now, after my mother, and not Grimm-Pitch, including him. I think that’s what makes him the angriest of all. 

We finish dinner quietly, and I say thank you for the meal as I’m leaving the room. I hear little footsteps behind me and realize I’m being followed, then whip around and look at her so fast Mordelia almost falls. 

“You’re following me because?” I question. 

“I want to talk about your boyfriend!” 

“I already told you, he’s not my boyfriend.” I persist. 

“Well, do you like him?” She starts walking again, passing me, so I follow. 

“It’s not that simple.” 

“Why not?” She asks, pausing at my bedroom door to see if I’m going to allow her to walk inside with me. I may as well. She’ll spend the rest of the night knocking on my door if I don’t. 

“Even if I do like him, he can’t be my boyfriend unless he likes me too.” I say, then climb onto my bed. “That’s why.” I lean back onto my headboard and cross one of my legs over the other. 

“You should ask him if he likes you.” She follows suit and climbs right onto my bed. 

“I can’t just ask him if he likes me.” 

“Why not?” 

Being questioned by Mordelia is as exhausting as being questioned by Father, but the difference is, I don’t get mad at her. 

“He lives in the same room as me. It would be bad if I asked him and he said no, because then he might be uncomfortable in our room.” I try to explain in a way that makes sense to her. 

“I guess I get it.” She pauses to think. Mordelia is the most thoughtful eight year old I know. Well, she’s the only eight year old I know, but still. “Maybe there’s a way you can find out if he likes you without asking.” 

She may have a point. I haven’t really tried flirting with Snow. I’ve been convincing myself he’s still healing from what happened with Agatha, and it would be rude, but it’s been a month. He said he’s ready to move on. What’s stopping me? 

Fear. 

Fear of rejection, fear of him laughing in my face, fear of losing our newfound friendship. 

On top of all the fear, I think there’s something to be said for the way he looked at me last night. The fact that he didn’t want me to go back to my bed. 

I try and tell myself he’s that affectionate with his friends, but part of me is hopeful that maybe he does feel something too. 

“I can certainly try.” I respond to Mordelia finally, already feeling butterflies in my stomach at the thought of what I’m going to do. 

My phone buzzes on my nightstand, and it’s a text from Snow. Of course. 

**Snow** (8:03 pm): didn’t see anything weird on my walk. u okay?

“Is that him?” Mordelia asks, nosiness overcoming her as she practically lunges to see what’s on my screen. 

“Yes, he was just asking how I was.” I hold the phone in a way that she can’t see, even though the messages aren’t incriminating. 

“Send him a picture of us!” She loves taking selfies with me. She says my arms are long enough to get the best shots. 

“Okay, sure.” I give in, and open the camera. Mordelia is grinning so hard it looks like her cheeks might burst, and I decide to smile too. Snow deserves it. “This one good?” I ask after snapping the picture, then hold the phone for her to see. 

“Perfect! Maybe he’ll send one back so I can see what he looks like.” 

I should have known she had some kind of plan. I wouldn’t mind seeing a picture of Snow, though. I missed him today. 

**Me** (8:06 pm): Mordy wanted me to send you a picture of us. 

**Me** (8:06 pm): _ image attachment _

**SIMON**

The last thing I’m expecting to see is a selfie of Baz appear on my phone screen. 

He looks beautiful. I think his hair is pulled up, and he’s smiling. His sister is smiling too, and she looks just like him. I think it’s cute that they’ve spent the day together. 

I should send a picture back, right? I don’t really like taking pictures. My smile looks weird when I force it. Whatever. I open the camera and look at myself. My hair is messy, but it’s always messy, so I shouldn’t try to fix it. I’m wearing a sweatshirt, which is pretty common, so I decide I don’t need to change either. 

I put a smile on my face, and although I feel weird forcing it, the picture turns out pretty good. 

**Me** (8:09 pm): Tell her I want to meet her someday!

**Me** (8:09 pm):  _ image attachment _

**BAZ**

The photo of Snow takes a few minutes to come through. I can see it now, he’s posing in front of his phone, trying to decide if he looks okay. He never overthinks anything, but he would overthink something like this. 

When the photo does come through, the smile on my face returns and I look at it for a moment before holding the phone out to Mordelia again so she can see. 

“He says he wants to meet you someday!” I tell her, smiling at the thought.

“Baz.” She’s staring at the photo. “He looks like a prince, I can see why you like him.” 

“So you can also see why he’d never like me too?” I say, self loathing. 

“You act like you’re ugly or a bad person or something. You’re not.” 

“And you’re too wise to be eight years old!” I counter. 

“Whatever. You have to tell him you like him. You’re a chicken if you don’t.” She crosses her arms now, giving me a look. 

“Can’t be a chicken, now can I?” I sigh, and then make up my mind. She’s right. I should tell him. I’ll tell him tomorrow. 

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the day knowing about the confession I’ll be making once I get back to the dorm. 

________________________

It’s late when I arrive back in the city, but I took the last train out on purpose. I love looking at the city lights, and there’s a certain view I can get on the train back from the Hamptons that I can’t get anywhere else. I want to go up to the top of the Empire State Building some time soon. Maybe I can take Snow with me. 

I’m not sure if he had to work this morning or tonight, but part of me hopes it’s tonight so I have a minute to gather my thoughts before I see him. Like Mordelia said, I’ll be a chicken if I don’t confess, so I have to do it. I’m never this brave. 

I hear music from inside our room as I’m unlocking the door, which means he’s home. Great. I put a smile on my face because I really am happy to see him, and throw my hand up in a wave as I walk over the threshold. 

“Back by Sunday evening, just as I promised.” I try to make small talk as I put my things away and kick my shoes off. He turned off whatever he was listening to and he’s sitting up in his bed, intent on paying attention to me. “How was your day?” I ask, prolonging the moment before I possibly ruin our friendship. 

“It was fine.” 

He’s usually way more verbose than this. 

“I wanted to talk to you about something, actually.” He motions to the spot on the bed next to him, and I sit. I guess my confession can wait. 

“Something wrong?” I ask, hoping my tone is comforting. 

“No, no, nothing’s wrong.” He rubs at the back of his neck, then pauses. 

I stare at him for a moment while he seems to be gathering his thoughts about what to say. His confused expression is resting on his face, and it’s as cute as ever. 

“I have feelings for you!” He blurts out the words so fast I can barely decipher what he said. Did I decipher it correctly? 

“You-” I start to ask, but he cuts me off. 

“I have feelings for you. That’s what I said. I get it if you don’t feel the same way, because I’m too intense or annoying or weird looking or whatever. I just had to tell you, and I told myself I’d do it when you came back tonight, because I didn’t want to wait anymore. But like I said, I get it if you don’t feel the same.” 

“Are you finished?” I ask, and hate myself for having a tinge of laughter in my tone. I think I laugh because it’s unbelievable. 

“Yes.” He nods quickly and he’s looking into my eyes so intensely that it feels like I physically can’t look away. 

“Simon, I have feelings for you too, I have for-” He’s the one cutting me off now, because before I can finish explaining myself he’s lunging at me and his lips are crashing onto mine. 

I’m kissing Simon Snow. 

I catch him in my arms and kiss back the best way I know how, I’ve never kissed anyone before, but if this is how it feels to be kissed I never want it to stop. 

He pulls back for a moment. “How long?” He asks. 

I have to catch my breath before I can answer. “Since I met you.” 

“That long, Baz? What the hell?” He seems shocked, but he’s still smiling. 

“I was going to tell you tonight. Guess our minds were connected, in that way.” I say, and then he’s kissing me again.

If I died kissing Simon Snow, I’d be a happy man. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you guys for reading! make sure to leave me a comment because they make me so happy hehe
> 
> the updates with this fic may come more slowly as we move into december, because i'm going to be writing a 25 day christmas fic prompt thing! one oneshot a day from december 1-25! my writing will be focused there, but hopefully i can push out a few chapters of this story too!


	11. Chapter 11

**SIMON**

I’m not sure what happened to my plan of trying to flirt with Baz before I went and confessed my feelings, but when I saw him walk through our door I could all but shout out what was on my mind. 

It must have been my lucky day, hell, my lucky year, or ten years, or however much luck it took, because he said he has feelings for me too. 

I can’t be dreaming, because I’ve pinched myself at least five times and it’s hurt every single one of them. I even tried pinching myself while kissing him, which probably wasn’t the best idea, but I had to make sure. 

The pinch made me wince a little bit, and Baz immediately pulled back from me and our lips disconnected with a slight pop. 

“What did I do, did I bite you? Are you okay?” He asks breathlessly, a look of concern crossing his face. 

“You didn’t bite me.” I can’t help but laugh a little bit. “I was pinching myself to make sure this wasn’t a dream.” 

Now Baz is the one laughing, and it’s a laugh like I’ve never heard come from him before. A hearty laugh, one that makes him tip his head back and squeeze his eyes shut as he laughs. I would usually be mad and think he was laughing at me, but now that I know he has feelings for me, the laugh just seems endearing. 

“What’s the verdict, then? Did it hurt? Is this a dream?” He motions between us, and a blush creeps onto my cheeks. 

“It hurt. I just had to make sure, you know? You’re like,  _ perfect _ , Baz. I’ve been kissing you for an hour and I can’t believe this is something you actually want.” 

“Simon, I can guarantee you this is what I want. It feels like just as much of a dream to me, because I thought you could never want it too.” 

“What did you just say?” I ask, eyes wide. 

“It feels like a dream to me too?” He questions.

“No, the other thing.” 

“I thought you could never want it?” 

“No, oh my god! You called me Simon!” I put my hand on his chest and push lightly. “I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say my name.” 

“I call you by name all the time.” 

“You call me Snow. I like hearing you call me Simon.” I tell him. 

“Well then, Simon,” Baz puts his hand on my chest now and pushes, “I’ll be sure to call you by your first name from now on.” 

I lean forward and kiss him again, then remember what Penny said about the coffee dates not being real dates. Were they even dates for us to begin with?

“We should go on a date.” I say abruptly. 

“Are you asking me to go on a date with you or telling me?” Baz teases. 

“Shut up, I’m asking. Do you want to go on a date with me?” 

**BAZ**

Simon Snow wants to go on a date with me. I forget how to speak when he asks, and all I can do is nod my head furiously to try and signal that yes.  _ Yes _ . I absolutely want to go on a date with him, there’s nothing I’d rather do in the whole world than go on a cheesy date of dinner and a movie with him. We may not even go to dinner and a movie, I assume that since he’s asking, I’ll have to let him plan the first date. 

“Use your words, Baz.” Simon teases, and I roll my eyes. 

“Can’t you tell by my nodding and inability to form a coherent sentence that my answer is yes?” I respond, then reach to run a hand through his hair. Because I want to, and touching him seems like something I’m allowed to do now. 

“I’ve been sitting here pinching myself to make sure this is real, Baz. I needed to hear you say yes.” He says, then reaches to tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear. Fair play. If I can touch his hair, he can touch mine too. 

“I assume you want to plan this date?” I ask, thinking about the note I have hidden in my phone of possible date ideas. So what? A man could dream. 

“Yes, and you can plan the next one.” 

“Oh, you’re already confident there’s going to be a second date?” I can’t help but grin. 

“I mean, I hope there will be. You may go on the first date with me and decide I’m annoying and not worth your time.” 

“Simon.” I take his hand and squeeze it, then look in his eyes. “I will  _ not _ think either of those things. I could ramble on for an embarrassingly long time about all the things I like about you, so trust me when I say that I already know I’m going to have the best time with you.” 

“Should I ask you to elaborate on what you like about me?” He leans forward expectantly, like I’m just going to give it all up. 

“That would be too easy, wouldn’t it?” I tease, then lean forward and press another kiss to his lips. “That’s going to become addicting. I’ll make up for my twenty years of never kissing anyone in no time if kissing you is that nice.” 

I stand up off the bed now and Simon reaches out for me, so I hesitate. 

“Where are you going?” He asks, and I laugh. 

“Can I change into my pajamas? You’re all cozy and I’m still in my day clothes.” I lift his hand to my mouth and kiss his knuckles, and his cheeks go pink. 

“Oh, yeah, go ahead.” He smiles and settles back against the headboard. 

I never change clothes in our room, I always go into the bathroom quickly to do so. Simon changes in front of me all the time. I, of course, avert my eyes. If his back is turned towards me, I indulge in looking at him for approximately three seconds. Just enough time to remember how muscular his back is, and that there’s a few moles splattered across his hips that I want to kiss. 

Holy shit. If all this goes well, I probably will get to kiss them. 

I’m getting ahead of myself. Pajamas. Once I change, I can go back to his bed and kiss him more. I wasn’t kidding when I said it’s going to become an addiction. 

I psych myself up for a second before I just start changing right here, in our room. My back is turned to him, of course, because seeing him look at me without a shirt on may be a little too intense for what I’m prepared to handle at the moment. But, I’ve looked at his back enough times, he may as well see mine too. 

**SIMON**

I’m going to die. 

I’m going to die, because Baz is changing in front of me, and it’s something I never knew I wanted to see until it was happening. I hadn’t put much thought into my lust for him beyond kissing him, I’ve never thought about a guy like this before. 

I always knew Baz was attractive, but there’s something different about being attracted to him. I stare at his back while he slips off his sweater and puts on one of his fancy silk pajama tops. I watch as his long legs slip out of his chinos and into the matching silk pants. 

I’m practically drooling at this point, and I only saw his skin for a moment. I have to pick my jaw up before he turns back around, because it’s rude to stare. But, he usually changes in the bathroom, so maybe he wanted me to. Look at him, that is. 

“Shove over.” He’s turned around now and is walking back towards me, a smile still resting on his lips. 

“You know, these beds are usually only meant for one person.” I say, only joking, then scoot over as close to the wall as I can to give him room. 

“Well, they’re going to have to be for two people, because I’ve had the luxury of sleeping in the same one with you once, and I don’t think I could go back to my own bed now knowing you’d be willing to have me here.” Baz admits. 

I don’t think he’s ever been this open with me, and I love it. I love hearing him say whatever he’s thinking. If he really has had a crush on me since we met, I can only imagine everything he’s ever wanted to say but hasn’t had a chance to. I hope he knows he can tell me anything. 

“I’m certainly not going to kick you out.” I tell him and then reach for his hand and lace our fingers. “So, other than potions with your sister, how was the visit home?” I ask.

“Same old.” He sighs, “My dad asked how my search for a girlfriend had been going.” Baz rolls his eyes now. 

It must be really hard to hear things like that from his father. I know this probably wasn’t the first time. 

“He knows you’re gay, right?” I ask, because maybe he doesn’t. “Why would he ask you that?” 

“He ignores it.” Baz looks over at me, and I hold eye contact. 

“How can he?” I’m curious. 

“Easy, he asks about girlfriends, and if I start talking about anything other than what he wants to hear, he leaves the room. I came out to him when I was fifteen, and I’m lucky he didn’t kick me out or cut me off, but it’s shit feeling like I’m invisible in my own house.” 

“I know what it feels like to feel invisible.” I tell him, and it’s true. Growing up without a family tends to make you feel that way. “Until I met Penny, I never really felt like anyone  _ saw _ me. I just existed.” 

“I see you,” Baz says confidently. “I’ve always seen you.” 

“I see you too. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize.” I apologize, but I know I didn’t realize sooner because I was trying to save my relationship with Agatha that could never be saved. 

**BAZ**

He doesn’t have to say sorry for not seeing me like I saw him. I didn’t let him see me, which was a jerk move on my part, but I was scared. Scared of falling for someone who wouldn’t ever feel the same. But I suppose I don’t have to be scared anymore, because he sees me, and now I’m allowed to feel everything I tried to suppress. 

We talk and kiss for hours before we fall asleep, and I only complain a little bit when Simon’s alarm goes off at five in the morning and he has to crawl over me to go to work. 

______________ 

Simon told me that our date was going to be on Friday night, and it’s currently Friday morning. He won’t tell me what we’re doing, but I truly don’t care as long as I’m spending time with him. This week has flown by, and I didn’t know it was possible to feel this much happiness at once. Every time he sees me, he kisses me, and it gives me butterflies continuously. 

We’ve fallen into a little routine of Simon bringing me coffee when he leaves work, and it’s nice to see him before we both head off to our classes for the day. Bunce seems pleased when Simon leans over our library table and kisses me. 

“Get a room!” She’ll tease, but I know secretly she’s glad to see him happy. I think we’re friends now, too, which is nice. 

I only have one class on Fridays, so my day is short before I can go back to the dorm and relax. I’m sitting propped against my headboard with a book in hand when Simon comes barreling through the door. 

“Rushing?” I ask.

“Just excited to see you!” He says, kicking his shoes off before walking over to kiss me. 

“Are you going to tell me what we’re doing for our date yet?” 

“That would be too easy. You’ll like it, I promise!”

**SIMON**

I promise him he’ll like it, and I really hope I can follow through with that. I brainstormed with Penny about what might be good for a first date, because really, I’ve never had to plan one before. I didn’t want it to be the standard dinner and a movie, because we can do that any time. I wanted it to be something easy, no pressure, and fun. 

After throwing ideas back and forth, I finally settled on taking Baz to a poetry slam. He likes that kind of stuff, right? 

Baz reads and I take a nap (I had a really early shift) for a few hours before it’s time for the date. I told him to wear something casual, but he’s pulling on what I would consider a fancy outfit. 

“Is this your casual?” I look over his black fitted pants and white button down. He looks sexy as hell, so I don’t mind if he wears it. 

“I don’t really do casual, Simon.” He answers, smiling warmly at me. 

“Well, you look great. I don’t know anyone who could pull off formal wear all the time.” 

“This is hardly formal.” He’s rolling up his sleeves and making it look effortless. 

I’m wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, but it’s a nice sweatshirt, so I think it passes for date attire. 

“Grab a jacket, though, it might be chilly later.” I watch as he reaches for a thick knit cardigan, and somehow, the sweater makes the outfit look a bit more casual and effortless. I wish I knew how he did it. 

Once we’re outside and walking down the sidewalk, I reach over and tentatively take Baz’s hand. I’m not sure if I need to ask permission to hold it, but it seems like I don’t when he squeezes my hand almost immediately and starts swinging it between us. 

The cafe that’s hosting the poetry slam is pretty close to campus, so we only walk for about ten minutes before we arrive. I look at Baz to gauge his reaction as we come up to a sign detailing the night. He stops for a moment to read it, and then he starts to smile. 

“Poetry?” He asks, and looks at me in a way that makes me melt. 

“I know you like that kind of stuff, so I thought this could be fun!” I start pulling him inside, and there are a lot of people here, but we still manage to find a little piece of a couch to squeeze into together. Baz wraps his arm around me and I lean on him, and it’s comfortable. 

We listen to a bunch of people recite poems about love, or anger, or sadness, and Baz leans in to whisper comments in my ear whenever something strikes him. We laugh at the funny poems, and I find myself tearing up at one about a breakup. Fresh emotions, I suppose. At some point, I walk over to the bar and grab us both a hot cocoa. It’s too late in the day for coffee, and it’s cold outside, so it’s perfect cocoa weather. 

Once all the scheduled poets have read, the host is at the mic calling for any other volunteers who may have something they want to read. Baz must be feeling confident, because his hand shoots up and he’s standing up from the couch. He winks at me as he walks up towards the stage, and my jaw drops. 

**BAZ**

I don’t know what comes over me, but I’m walking up to the stage and scrolling through the notes on my phone before I can stop myself. They asked if anyone had a poem they wanted to read, and I do. I have one. I never thought anyone would see this, let alone read it to a room full of people, but now that Simon knows how I feel about him I figure I have nothing to lose.

“Hello, everyone. I’m Baz. I’m actually on a first date tonight,” I grin and point to Simon. “With him!” 

The crowd whoops a bit and Simon is blushing, so I press on. 

“Anyways, I wrote this poem a while ago, back when I first started to have feelings for him. I hope you all like it.” 

I take a deep breath and glance at the note on my phone, then look at Simon as I start to read. 

_ You are the sun and I am crashing into you _

_ I look around us and think _

_ This will end in flames _

_ Sharing a room with the person you want most is like sharing a room with an open fire _

_ He’s constantly drawing you in _

_ You’re constantly stepping too close _

_ You know it’s no good _

_ There is no good _

_ Absolutely nothing can ever come of it _

_ He looks at me, and I think I might kiss him _

_ His lips are hanging open, and his eyes are alive. Alive. Alive.  _

_ You are the center of my universe _

_ I would risk it all for you. _

  
  


I take another deep breath when I finish reading, because everything I’ve said is so intensely personal. I realize my hands are shaking, but everyone is snapping for me, so I must have done something right. I smile and give a small wave before walking off the stage and back to Simon, whose mouth is hanging open. 

“Pick up your jaw, then.” I sit down beside him, and now I’m the one blushing. 

**SIMON**

“Holy shit, Baz.” Is all I manage to say, and I stare at him, mouth wide open. 

“Don’t.” He says, wrapping his arm around me again as someone else takes the stage. 

“That was-” He cuts me off by leaning over and kissing the corner of my mouth. 

“I know. You don’t have to say anything.” 

He let me see another part of him tonight. He hasn’t stopped amazing me since the moment he started letting me in. He wrote that poem about me, like he could never imagine I would feel the way about him that he feels about me. 

But I do. 

Everything he does draws me closer, and I’m starting to understand how it feels to actually be desired by someone. 

It’s happening fast, but I don’t think I mind. 

All I can think about is him. 

“Do you want to get out of here?” I ask, feeling my heart rate speed up a little at the question. I need to kiss him in a way I can’t in public. 

“You’ve had enough poetry for the night?” He smirks, and I know he knows what I’m thinking. 

“We can come back for more poetry another time.” I say firmly and stand up, grabbing his hand to pull him with me. 

**BAZ**

I’m being pulled out of the cafe by Simon and we’re walking back to the dorm so quickly it almost feels like we’re jogging. He keeps looking at me and there’s a fire on his eyes accompanied by a giant smile that covers his entire face. 

If I would have known my poem would have had this effect, I would have recited it to him a long time ago! 

As soon as we’re back in our room, he’s pushing me up against the door and peppering kisses to my jaw and neck. 

“I can’t believe you felt like that about me for so long and didn’t say anything!” He speaks between kissing me, and I think I might die. 

“What was I supposed to say?” I capture his lips for a moment, “Hey Simon, break up with your girlfriend for me, your roommate, I don’t even know if you like guys but give me a chance!” 

“Okay, maybe not.” 

His hands are on my hips and he’s pulling me closer to him, and my hands are in his hair. 

“I would have waited forever for you.” I tell him, and that causes him to pause for a moment and look in my eyes. 

“Forever is a long time.” He says, lips starting to curl into a smile again. 

“I would risk it all for you, remember?” I refer back to the poem, and he kisses me, and we spend the rest of the night getting to know each other in ways I could have only ever dreamed of. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh i'm so excited to be writing this one again!! i've been SO BUSY! I went on a trip and graduated college so things have been crazy around here. i'm posting this without proofreading so my apologies for any errors you may encounter before i have a chance to fix them. 
> 
> as always, i hope you enjoyed the update and please leave me some comments because they make my day!
> 
> this chapter was pure fluff.. i think the fic may be pure fluff from here on out honestly


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